Continued regimen: 1800 mg lithium as 900 mg 2x/day.
150 mg zimelidine. 1 pill 1x/day.
Call prescriber or emergency room 911 with any symptoms.
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SERIES 2, Personal papers
BOX 9, Diary (1982–1993)
* * *
JULY 2 1982
Jake ran the calculations, and after all the hospital bills we have enough money for me to not produce a single thing for three months. Three months. I’m on parole. Yes, you can get your life back, if at the end of the time you make a perfect image, something that proves to your dealers and your husband and your buyers that you are the same as you ever were. If you mess up, back in the box you go.
While I was gone, my mother moved into our second bedroom to help Jake with Theo. Now she is staying to help me “manage.”
Another set of eyes watching me. Looking for signs of weakness. Waiting for me to fail.
JULY 19 1982
I lose time. Yesterday I looked at the clock and it was two in the afternoon and then I looked at it again and it was nine p.m. and I hadn’t moved from bed.
When Jake came in later, I told him I don’t know if I can meet the deadline. It seemed like plenty of time a few weeks ago, but I’ve never had this blankness before. I’ve never had no ideas.
We fought about it for a while. Me saying I couldn’t. Him saying I needed to try harder.
Finally he asked, Why are you like this?
What happened to you in there?
Where did you go?
I have no answers.
AUGUST 1 1982
My mother called Dr. Pottle about me. Without asking, of course. Why ask? I am a child passed between adults. No, I am a ball passed between children. I only know she called because I overheard her thanking him when she hung up the phone. I confronted her and she said she was worried about my fatigue. I think Jake put her onto it. Sometimes they’re so buddy-buddy I can’t stand it.
Pottle called me later to ask how I was doing. He pretended like my mother hadn’t said a thing. I said I wasn’t great and he said it was an adjustment period. If I’m still feeling the same way in six weeks, we can talk about changing medication.
Six weeks! Six fucking weeks.
I told him about my deadline. He didn’t understand.
You’re very talented, he said. I’m sure you’ll be able to make a photograph in time.
I could almost hear him thinking, Just click the fucking button.
After that I spent the whole day on the sofa. Holding Theo, listening to him breathe against my tummy. Mom stayed there to watch me, which was humiliating.
SERIES 2, Personal papers
BOX 8, Medical records
FOLDER: Prescriptions and refills
* * *
Prescription issued 9/25/1982
1200 mg lithium as 600 mg 2x/day. Taper from 1800 mg: 800 mg 2x/day for first 3 days, 700 mg 2x/day for second 3 days.
150 mg zimelidine. 1 pill 1x/day.
Call prescriber or emergency room 911 with any symptoms.
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SERIES 2, Personal papers
BOX 9, Diary (1982–1993)
* * *
OCTOBER 2 1982
Pottle finally changed my dosage. He says come back in four to six weeks to discuss results. Why is everything four to six weeks? Is that how long it takes the human body to regenerate? Or is it just some magic number the doctors figured out to appease people—long enough you don’t bother them, short enough they keep getting their co-pays?
Meanwhile, my three-month deadline expired today. I’ve made nothing new. Fortunately, Jake sold a painting. Only $1000, but at least it was under the table. A month extension for me. You should see him strutting around. So proud, like he saved us all.
I promise him I’m trying. I’m honestly trying.
OCTOBER 8 1982
I can’t tell if the new dosage is helping.
I can’t focus, I can’t come up with any work.
I sweat all the time. I go through three shirts a day.
I’m so dizzy I can barely stand.
I can only eat toast.
On the phone, Pottle said, “It’s better than being in the hospital, isn’t it?”
Yes. But that’s a low bar.
SERIES 1, Correspondence
BOX 1, Personal correspondence
FOLDER: Eggers, Hal (incl. 39 photocopies of letters from MB, from HE private collection)
* * *
October 12 1982
Dear Hal,
Thanks for your letter. I’m doing better. No, I still haven’t had any new ideas. The medication is slowing things down. Don’t worry, I’ll adjust soon and then I’ll be back at it.