Chewing, angry mouth. Blood from my tits. Stitches breaking.
APRIL 19 1982
I hate everyone, every human I’ve ever met. I want to take them by the shoulders and say, Do you know what you did to your mother when she gave birth to you? Do you know how you broke her? You ungrateful creature.
I’ve never hated anything this much. My hate wraps around my stomach, squeezes, boa constrictor, you will get no milk.
APRIL 20 1982
I think some part of him is still stuck inside me. An extra arm, a piece of his tongue. Something didn’t make it out, and it’s festering.
APRIL 21 1982
I am trying. I am trying so hard. Can’t anyone see that? Jake moved all my papers into a big pile and messed up the light patterns that I was creating. He says I am acting crazy. Like not cool crazy, he says. Real crazy. Is something wrong?
Of course something is wrong. We have produced a monster. He can’t see it Only I can see it. The monster has a cute skin He is very well concealed
APRIL 22 1982
Going to the hospital to have the leftover piece of him taken out of me. They could do surgery. They could rip me all apart and sew me back again. Then my insides will have fresh air and I will understand how to be good again. I could become a marble saint. That is what I would like. I would like to be a cold hard body with worn toes where people rub for good luck. I would like to stand on a tall thing and not crouch down. My eyes will have no pupils and the blindness will make it all more clear. I will rub my own toes.
SERIES 2, Personal papers
BOX 8, Medical records
FOLDER: Nangussett Hospital Psychiatric Unit (hospitalization 4/22/82–6/23/82)
* * *
Psychiatric Unit Nangussett Hospital Admission Report
4/22/1982
HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS
Patient presented in ER barefoot and said she was there to have an arm removed from her body. When asked which arm, she said it could be a foot. She said it was inside her. Intake noticed deep scratches on her arms, apparently self-inflicted with fingernails. When asked, Patient said that she was trying to make the surgery easier. Nurse tried to put slippers on Patient’s feet and Patient became agitated.
Vaginal exam showed recent childbirth. When asked about the location of her child, patient said he was at home with her husband. Social work referral to verify.
Psych evaluation ordered. Psych evaluation demonstrated lack of short-term memory, hallucinations, extreme sensitivity to pain, shortness of breath, and delusions of grandeur. Admitted to psych emergency on an inpatient basis for an indefinite period.
GENITOURINARY: normal w/ remaining trauma from recent childbirth (3/28/1982)
MUSCULOSKELETAL: joint pain, joint stiffness
SKIN: pruritus
NEUROLOGIC: normal
PSYCHIATRIC: abnormal, history unclear, requires fuller evaluation
ENDOCRINE: weight loss, cold intolerance
HEME/LYMPHATIC: anemia (resolved)
ALLERGIC/IMMUNOLOGIC: hay fever
SOCIAL WORK REPORT
Patient arrived postpartum. Medical records indicate gave childbirth 3/28/1982. Social worker confirmed safety of child over the phone with husband who was unaware wife had left the house. Request filed with police for non-urgent welfare check.
INITIAL PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION
Performed by Warren Sands, MD, second-year resident in psychiatry, with supervision by Raymond Zielinski, MD, attending.
Initial psychiatric evaluation began with questions about the circumstances preceding her arrival at the ER. Patient frequently lost strand of thought but suggested that the scratches had been self-inflicted and that she believed some part of her child was still stuck inside her. Patient requested to be turned into a “saint,” “statue,” or “crackling noise.” Requested interviewer touch her feet. When request was denied, Patient became upset and began to hallucinate “ball of light” in the corner of the room. Hysterical crying. Patient had to be sedated and interview was terminated. Pupil dilation and shortness of breath consistent with use of stimulant drug, will require monitoring to determine if paranoia is psychiatric or drug-induced.
Contacted husband and instructed him to come to psychiatric unit tomorrow during normal visiting hours, without child.
Patient considered a danger to herself and others. Recommend inpatient evaluation and psychiatric hold of at least 96 hours, continuation dependent on re-evaluation.
7.
KATE
“This traffic is terrible,” Louise said, nudging her car almost up to the bumper of the car in front of them. “Crap. I hate tourists.”
Over the past couple weeks, Kate had learned that tourists were