“Liar,” Jamal said succinctly, clicking through Zaf’s emails.
Zaf stared. “What?”
“That’s your lying voice. It’s all tight and scratchy.”
“Who are you?” Zaf spluttered. “The bloody . . . voice police?”
“I hope next time you’re in the shower, you think of seventy things you could’ve said just then that would’ve been way better than ‘voice police.’ ”
“I hope next time you’re in the shower, you drown.” Although Zaf agreed that, at thirty-one years old, he should probably have developed better comebacks by now.
“Look,” Jamal sighed, meeting Zaf’s eyes with a seriousness that did not bode well. “You read a lot of books, so you probably don’t realize that in the real world, faking a relationship is actually an incredibly weird thing to do—”
“Er, no, I definitely realize that.”
“—and if she’s agreed to it, that says something.” Jamal gave him a significant look. “You know, something. So if you like this woman, you should probably let her know.”
Zaf swallowed hard and rubbed a hand over his beard, avoiding Jamal’s gaze. “I can’t.”
“Why? This better not have anything to do with your stick-up-the-arse happily-ever-after thing. I don’t know how you can be so flexible when you teach the lads about mental health and so uptight with your—”
“I don’t have a stick up my arse,” Zaf snapped. Really, was dating with purpose so bad? No, it was not. Goals were important in life, thank you very much. “She’s not interested, okay? In any kind of relationship.” Except a fake one. And a sexual one. If Jamal knew about that, he wouldn’t call Zaf uptight, now, would he?
Although, he might say some other shit. Shit Zaf didn’t want to hear, like You’re making a mistake, or You take sex too seriously. None of which was true, obviously, because Zaf had this all figured out. He’d sleep with Danika, and then this mind-numbing hunger he felt for her would naturally fade, and he’d be able to concentrate long enough around her to remember she wasn’t for him. Or rather, she didn’t want to be for him. Different angle, same view.
“She’s not interested,” Jamal repeated flatly, his raised eyebrows screaming disbelief. “And you know this because . . . ?”
“Because she told me. Seriously. She was very clear.”
Jamal paused. “Oh. Hmm. That’s rough, man.”
“It’s fine.”
“Not really. You gonna be okay with all this?”
Zaf didn’t know and didn’t want to investigate, so he shot back, “Are you in love with my sister?”
Jamal snapped his mouth shut, then made a sound like a cat hacking up a hair ball. “No,” he spluttered, his eyes fixed determinedly on the laptop screen. “Why would you—? No.”
Zaf snorted. “Because that wasn’t suspicious at all. You two are so—”
Jamal’s expression changed. “Zaf.”
“—fucking weird. If there’s something—”
“Zaf.”
“What?”
“Are you busy tomorrow night?”
“Yes,” Zaf said immediately, his mind going back to the library. Tomorrow. After work. “Very busy. Hugely, enormously busy. Don’t come here, because I won’t be here. And if I am here, I won’t answer the door.”
“I have a key,” Jamal said dryly. “But whatever you’re doing, cancel it—”
“No.”
“—because you just got offered a local radio interview, and they want to talk about Tackle It.”
“Oh,” Zaf said. “Shit.” And then all the possibilities, all the opportunities hit him, and he repeated, slightly breathless, “Shit.”
Dani woke up the next morning with electric excitement thrumming through her veins and an enormous, loopy, I’m getting laid grin on her face. It was, to be frank, sickening.
Even Sorcha muttered, when they met at the cafe that morning, “You’re way too cheerful. This have anything to do with your”—she coughed dramatically—“boyfriend?”
“Shut up,” Dani said, and tried to glare. But the loopy smile was stuck to her face like glue. “If you must know, I’m cheerful because Oshun’s hint was, of course, correct. Zaf is well on his way to spring-cleaning my vagina, hopefully with his mouth, exactly as the goddess intended.”
“Right. Thing is, Dan, I’ve known you for ten years, and you haven’t been this cheerful about a bog-standard shag since . . .” Sorcha frowned, as if thinking back. “I don’t know, Mateo? So basically,” she snorted, “the dawn of time.”
Dani tried to laugh along. She really, really did. But something about the name of her first boyfriend made her laughter congeal in her throat.
And by something she meant literally everything about it.
“Are you sure this whole arrangement is fake?” Sorcha prodded, still laughing. “Because either you have a crush on your friend, or he’s packing some kind of glow-in-the-dark, vibrating equipment you’re not telling me about.”