‘Well, just be grateful your tea for tonight is in a pouch,’ I tell him, waggling a spaghetti spoon his way. I don’t even like cats. It was Wade’s idea to get kittens last year, but he lost interest in Ant and Dec when he found Miss Cha-Cha-Cha and decided that Hamleigh was too small for him, and that only old people keep cats. You can keep them both, he said, with an air of great magnanimity. They suit your lifestyle better.
Smug sod. He’s older than me, anyway – eighty-one come September. And as for my lifestyle … Well. Just you wait and see, Wade Cotton. Just you bloody wait and see.
‘Things are going to be changing around here, Declan,’ I tell the cat, my fingers closing around the bread knife in the back of the drawer. Dec gives a slow, unimpressed blink, then his eyes widen and he swishes out of the window as I lift the knife with both hands to stab the lid of the jar. I let out a little ha! as I pierce it; it takes me a few stabs, like an amateur murderer in an Agatha Christie play, but this time when I twist the lid it turns easily. I hum to myself as I triumphantly empty the contents into the pan.
There. Once the sauce has warmed through and the pasta’s cooked, I settle back down at the dining-room table with my tea and examine my list.
Basil Wallingham
Pros:
- Lives just down the road – not far to walk
- Own teeth
-Still got enough oomph in him to chase squirrels off birdfeeders
Cons:
- Tremendous bore
- Always wearing tweed
- Might well be a fascist
Mr Rogers
Pros:
- Only 67
- Full head of hair (very impressive)
- Dances like Pasha off of Strictly (even more impressive)
- Polite to everyone, even Basil (most impressive of all)
Cons:
- Highly religious man. Very pious. Likely to be dull in bed?
- Only visits Hamleigh once a month
- Shown no signs of interest in anyone except Jesus
Dr Piotr Nowak
Pros:
- Polish. How exciting!
- Doctor. Useful for ailments
- Very interesting to talk to and exceptional at Scrabble
Cons:
- Rather too young for me (59)
- Almost certainly still in love with ex-wife
- Looks a bit like Wade (not his fault but off-putting)
I chew slowly and pick up my pen. I’ve been ignoring this thought all day, but … I really ought to list all the unattached gentlemen of the right age. After all, I’ve put Basil on there, haven’t I?
Arnold Macintyre
Pros:
- Lives next door
- Appropriate age (72)
Cons:
- Odious human being
-Poisoned my rabbit (as yet unproven, granted, but I know he did)
- Cut back my tree full of birds’ nests
- Sucks all joy from the world
- Probably feasts on kittens for breakfast
- Likely descended from ogres
- Hates me almost as much as I hate him
I cross out likely descended from ogres after a moment, because I ought not to bring his parents into it – they might have been perfectly nice for all I know. But I’m leaving the part about kittens.
There. A complete list. I tilt my head, but it looks just as bleak from that angle as it does straight on. I have to face the truth: pickings are very slim in Hamleigh-in-Harksdale, population one hundred and sixty-eight. If I want to find love at this stage of my life, I need to be looking further afield. Over to Tauntingham, for instance. There’s at least two-hundred people in Tauntingham, and it’s only thirty minutes on the bus.
The telephone rings; I get to the living room just in time.
‘Hello?’
‘Grandma? It’s Leena.’
I beam. ‘Hold on, let me get myself sat down.’
I settle back into my favourite armchair, the green one with the rose pattern. This phone call is the best part of any day. Even when it was bitterly sad, when all we talked about was Carla’s death – or anything but that, because that felt too painful – even then, these calls with Leena kept me going.
‘How are you, love?’ I ask Leena.
‘I’m fine, how are you?’
I narrow my eyes. ‘You’re not fine.’
‘I know, it just came out, sorry. Like when someone sneezes and you say “bless you”.’ I hear her swallow. ‘Grandma, I had this – I had a panic attack at work. They’ve sent me off on a two-month sabbatical.’
‘Oh, Leena!’ I press my hand to my heart. ‘But it’s no bad thing that you’re getting some time off,’ I say quickly. ‘A little break from it all will do you good.’