Swimming in the Dark - Tomasz Jedrowski Page 0,38

they were meant for an audience.

I let you go on, unsure what to do with my anger, until you stopped your speech and looked at me.

‘Have you nothing to say?’ you asked, as if expecting praise.

I let silence rush in, hoping it would blur the reality of this moment. Our footsteps resonated in the dimly lit street. There was no one there except us. I held on to the stillness for as long as it would let me, for as long as I could.

‘You should know by now that you will never impress me with your work,’ I heard myself say. ‘That it will never bring us closer.’ You looked like you were about to say something. ‘Meanwhile,’ I went on, unable to contain the bitterness, ‘the queues are becoming infinite. There is less and less to eat. And Pani Kolecka is ill. She’s coughing like a death-bound dog. They don’t even have the medicine for her.’

Your face lost its tension. It was your turn to be silent.

‘I’m sorry,’ you finally said, sounding reduced, speaking only to me again.

‘I’m sorry too. I’m sorry to be living under this bloody system.’

Your brows furrowed and you glanced behind us. ‘Don’t say things like that.’ There was a hint of fear in your voice.

It gave me a strange satisfaction. ‘What else are we going to do? Let them do anything they please?’

You stopped, looking behind us again, grabbing me by the shoulders. ‘Work. Keep quiet.’ You looked straight into me. ‘Don’t do anything stupid.’ I avoided your eyes. ‘I mean it, Ludzio.’ You shook me, as if trying to wake me up. ‘I told you we mustn’t take risks. You want to protest? What for? To end up in prison and to be a martyr for nothing?’ I raised my eyes and looked at you, suddenly aware of us standing like this in the street, our faces so close. ‘There are ways to live a good life,’ you went on, as if hearing my thoughts. ‘I’ll figure things out. Can’t you trust me?’ Your eyes pleaded in a way I had never seen before. We heard the sound of boots clicking on the pavement.

‘Janusz?’ A cry came from the other side of the street. A girl was standing in the round spot of light streaming down from a street lamp. ‘Is that you?’

You released me. ‘Hania!’ Your face lit up.

She crossed the street, and you fell into each other’s arms. I saw her face on your shoulder, smiling for a moment with her eyes closed. My mind reeled. She opened her eyes and looked at me. It was like seeing a ghost – the pale, white skin, the intense, dark eyes. I’d never seen her up close, but still recognised her. It was the girl I’d seen you with at the camp. She looked very stylish, in a trench coat and cowboy boots. But even more remarkable were her earrings: they were beaded and shone in all colours of the rainbow, like the tail of an exotic bird, and so long they almost touched her shoulders. I couldn’t take my eyes off them.

‘Janusz, I haven’t seen you in ages,’ she cried, adjusting her hair, making the earrings move along with her. ‘Where have you been all these weeks?’ Her eyes fell on me. There was a pause in which she and I looked at each other, slightly embarrassed, until you said:

‘Here, let me introduce my swimming colleague. Hania, this is Ludwik.’

We shook hands. Hers was soft and white like a dove.

‘It’s a pleasure to meet you,’ she said, sounding like she meant it, looking into my eyes for a moment before turning back to you. She put her hand on your arm.

‘I’m going to see Rafa? now – he lives just around the corner. Do you want to come?’

You glanced from her to me. She was entirely turned to you.

‘I would like to, but—’

‘You’re busy?’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘C’mon, just for one drink. We’ve been saying how much we’ve missed you.’

I could see your fingers closing tight around the strap of your bag. You wore an expression I found impossible to read.

‘I can’t tonight,’ you finally said. ‘I’m sorry. Next time.’

She looked at you for a while, until a smile curled itself around her lips. ‘Fine. But no excuses for my birthday party. At the end of the month. You’re coming. Yes?’

You nodded. She kissed you goodbye and ran off, her boots beating on the concrete. We stood for a moment without