Swept Away (Wildfire Lake #3) - Skye Jordan Page 0,26
my personal dedication to my work. I strive to walk the walk, remain as nonjudgmental as humanly and imperfectly possible, foster acceptance of what is, and learn from it.
I huff a disgusted laugh. “I’m such a fucking fraud.”
“What?” Laiyla and KT say at the same time.
“That’s bullshit,” KT adds.
“I’ve spent over a year trying to recover and heal and grow. I’ve built an entire life on teaching others how to do the same. I’m writing fucking books, words and ideas that sink into the minds of thousands, yet here I am, losing my shit. My life is a house of cards, flying apart with one strong gust.”
“Don’t you dare belittle yourself like this,” KT says. “You’d be the first person to jump to our defense if this was happening to one of us.”
“She’s right,” Laiyla says. “And you know how I hate to admit she’s right.”
I huff a laugh.
“Start treating yourself the way you would treat one of us in this situation,” KT says.
I exhale hard and push to my feet, pacing to help the thoughts flow. “I need to change the itinerary. I’ll pull out of everything I possibly can. I’ll arrange it so we’re never in the same room together.”
But even as the words come out, I realize how unrealistic that idea is. I also realize how weak it makes me look and feel. But when I tune in to the chaos inside me, I know I need space from him. I’d never admit it out loud—can barely admit it to myself—but a part of me still loves Bodhi. Maybe KT’s right, maybe I should be kinder to myself, but I hate the idea that I failed at putting that whole mess and all the feelings that went with it behind me.
“Totally doable,” Laiyla says. “It’s the perfect time, before the retreat starts. We can easily get a new schedule into the bags by morning.”
“You know,” KT says in a tone that tells me she’s about to get sneaky, “real or not, Z may have done you a big favor by kissing you in front of everyone.”
“Oh my God, how could you possibly think—”
“You want to make sure everyone—including Bodhi—knows you’re not getting back together? You want to send a message as a strong, resilient woman who chooses healthy, loving relationships with great guys? Then let Xavier’s little alpha stunt stand. Build on it. Show everyone at this retreat how blissfully happy you are with a man of law and order. There’s no better way for you to show everyone that despite Bodhi’s presence here, you’ve moved on with someone upstanding and honest.”
“That’s brilliant,” Laiyla says, eyes bright. “You always have the best ideas. What are we going to do when you leave us?”
“Oh, don’t go there,” I say, refusing to think about Ben and KT and the girls leaving. “I’m barely keeping my shit together as it is. I may hitch a ride with you guys when you leave. I’ll bunk with Jazz. She’s little, doesn’t take up much room, and she likes me.”
“It’ll be easy,” KT says. “Z’s been wanting you since the day you two met. Throw the man a bone, for God’s sake.”
“That’s not right. I adore him. I mean, right now I’m pissed at him, but under normal circumstances, he’s…”
The room goes quiet.
“He’s…?” KT nudges.
“He’s my friend. A really good friend. That wouldn’t be fair.”
“Chloe,” Laiyla says, drawing my attention with a compassionate voice. “Accepting help does not make you weak, and it doesn’t mean we don’t think you can handle it on your own. Like you said, he’s a really good friend. Friends support friends in rough waters. You’re always the first one to back any of us.”
The closet door opens, and Xavier’s silhouette nearly fills the door, and that natural swagger of his shows even in the lazy way he leans his shoulder against the jamb and crosses his arms. “I’m game.”
Embarrassment floods my face with heat. “What part of boys, get out didn’t you understand?”
“I was out.” His voice is as calm as mine is frantic. “It’s not my fault you ladies talk loud enough to be heard outside the door.”
Oh. My. God. My face burns, and I cover it with my hands and growl. I want to scream. I want to disappear. But, fuck, I can’t. I have to deal with what is. I need to find the lesson in all this. I have to grab on to it and grow, even if it hurts.
But…not this. I’ll find another