“Too late, baby. Now tell me what’s going on in that mind of yours. Is it what I told you on Saturday? About rethinking this whole friendship situation? The thing I should have explained is that keeping my hands off you isn’t working for me. My feelings run deeper than I suspected. I want to be a lot more than just your friend. I’m serious, Em.”
It felt as if the world was folding in on me. My breathing went shallow and I tucked my feet up against the edge of the loveseat just the way he knew I would. “I can’t deal with that, Nick. Not when I just—” I bit off what I was about to say, which was more than I ever meant to tell him.
“What did you get?”
I leaned slightly forward, setting my gaze on the Bremerton shipyard on the other side of the cove. “You know I’ve been engaged before.”
“Twice, as I recall.” Nick grew quiet then, and his eyes became intense. “Are you still in love with one of them? Or both? Is that the problem?”
It’d been a long time since I’d asked myself that question. What surprised me, what caught me unaware, was how my feelings for Jayson had changed. I loved him but I didn’t think about him every day the way I once had. When his name floated across my mind, there wasn’t this instant flash of pain or regret. Time was a great healer, I realized, surprised by the revelation. It was the same with James or so I’d assumed. I suspected that was the reason the pain I felt when I read the wedding invitation caught me unaware.
I didn’t answer right away because I needed to carefully frame my response. “Yes, I suppose I do love both men, just not in the same way I did when we were engaged.”
“So tell me what happened that has you upset?” he asked, gently rubbing my back.
I swallowed tightly and decided it was foolish not to explain. If he wasn’t being so gentle and kind and his hand wasn’t wreaking havoc with my senses I might have been able to let it go. “An invitation to James and Katie’s wedding arrived in the mail this afternoon.” My voice cracked on the last two words. I drew in a deep breath, hoping that would steady my pounding heart.
Nick’s arms tightened around my shoulders and he kissed the top of my head. “That hurt, didn’t it?”
“Big time.”
“It wasn’t meant to be, babe.”
“I know.” Katie was a much better choice of a wife for James, as difficult as it was to admit.
“Are you going?”
“To the wedding?” I shook my head. “No way.”
“You should. It’ll be cathartic for you, emotionally liberating. It will tell James and Katie that you’ve moved on and that you wish them well. It won’t be easy, I know, but you need to do this for you and for them.”
“I need to do this?” I couldn’t believe Nick, the man who used me as an emotional crutch, was telling me it was time to move on. “Would it be appropriate for me to show up in the wedding dress I purchased after James gave me an engagement ring?” It was a stupid question and I regretted it the instant the words left my mouth. “Forget I said that.”
His arm, which was still around my shoulders, gave me a gentle squeeze. “Would you like me to go with you?” he asked, his offer tender and caring.
The suggestion shocked me. Nick had a hard time being around a lot of people. I’d seen what’d happened in the tavern and how the fear of another panic attack ruled his life. It was these visits when we sat in the dark when he was most comfortable. It was as if all the walls around him had been lowered and he was free to be himself.
“You’d do that? You’d attend the wedding with me?”
“For you I would.”
I wished he wouldn’t say those kind of things to me because they made me weak and left me feeling vulnerable. “I can’t fall in love with you, Nick. I can’t, please don’t be sweet and understanding.” Comforting or gentle, either; it was more than my poor heart could resist. “It always starts out like this and then it changes.”
“What changes?”
“Everything.”
“Em, you’re not making any sense.”
“If you need me to spell it out, then fine. You think