the door wider for me, “Yeah, she’s in the kitchen.”
When I step in the house all the familiar smells invade my senses. The smell of warm chocolate chip cookies is my favorite.
Adam claps me on the back, “It’s nice to see you around.”
I wipe at my nose needing to distract myself. “Thanks.”
Walking into the kitchen I see Jackie sitting at the table staring off into space. I spot the fresh pot of coffee sitting on the counter. Reaching into the cabinet above the sink I pull out two cups and set them down. I pour coffee into both and add a little sugar and creamer into mine then carry them both over to the table.
Jackie grabs my hand, “Thank you.”
I nod and take a seat in the chair across from hers.
“When Steven was five, he fell down those stairs,” she nods toward the back steps. “He jumped up and said, ‘That’s awesome!’”
I laugh and it feels good. For the first time in a while it doesn’t feel forced.
“He was so crazy.” I laugh again shaking my head. “First time I ever met him and he asked me if I wanted to join the mafia with him.”
Jackie laughs. “He was obsessed with the mafia after John let him watch ScarFace when he was three. Thank God he got into football after that.”
“You know, it’s funny. None of us were into football until you guys all stuck us in peewee and Cash was so fucking good we all had to one-up him. And then Steven goes and wins the most valuable player.”
She smiles too wide but her eyes give her away. She misses him and that ache hasn’t dulled in three years.
“I’ve never said it… and…” I draw in a deep breath and look over at her reaching for her hand. Tears stream down her cheeks and it takes everything in my power not to cry too. “I’m sorry.”
Jackie tries to talk but nothing comes out. She clears her voice a few times. “You don’t have to be sorry, Landon. It happened. Yes, I lost my baby boy, but nothing we can do will bring him back. You guys made a mistake and…” she can’t say it. “You dwelling on it does nothing but make you miserable. Live for him, Landon. Be the guy he grew up playing football with. The boy he talked about constantly as one of the best wide receivers. Be what Steven would want you to be…be the best.”
We both sit there lost in our own thoughts of Steven. The silence starts to get to me so I feel the need to talk. “Steven’s probably shaking his head up there at me. I’m a mess, Jackie. Everything I touch turns to shit but I don’t know what to do or how to fix it.”
“Let me ask you something?” She stares intently into my eyes. “Do you blame yourself for that night?” I nod but she holds a hand up. “Think about it hard before you answer me.”
I sit and ponder it for a second but I don’t need to. “I know it was my fault.”
“Landon, you acting like this isn’t healthy.”
“I know.” And then I feel the need to tell her since I haven’t told anyone yet. “I lost my scholarship and they kicked me off the team.”
“Why?” Her face full of concern.
“Failed a drug test.”
Her eyes close briefly, “Landon, you know going into a Bowl game the NCAA tests you. Why would you risk that? That shit follows you into the draft.”
“I know,” I say in a defeated tone.
Josh and Connor walk in while Jackie and I are talking. Both stop and do a double-take. Josh rubs his eyes like he can’t actually be seeing me.
“Man,” Josh is the first to speak. “I never thought I’d see you again unless it was on the big screen running down the football field.”
Josh looks the most like Steven, even acts like him too. “Nah, man.”
“Nice you see your pretty face around here,” Connor says taking the orange juice out of the fridge and drinking right from the container.
“Thanks.”
Jackie waits until both of them leave the kitchen. “Have you spoken to Cash?”
I look away because I feel like all I’m doing is hurting her even more. “No. We barely talk anymore.”
She sighs loudly. “You need to talk to him. He needs you and you need him, Landon. Steven would be livid if he knew the two of you lost yourselves like this. Be there for each other and let him