Macy on the way back to the dorms. She looks slightly panicked and I just assume she already heard. It wouldn’t have surprised me if she did.
“You got a second?” she asks nervously.
I nod, “Sure.” We start walking slowly back to the dorms.
“So,” she takes a deep breath and fidgets with her hands. “I haven’t got my period in a while.”
I stop walking and I’m pretty sure I’ve stopped breathing at this point.
“What did you say?” I have to make sure I heard her right.
She turns toward me but doesn’t look me in the eyes, “I know this is shitty timing with the Bowl coming up but I don’t know what else to do.”
Before I realize what I’m saying I blurt out, “Is it Cash’s?”
Macy looks like I’ve just slapped her and I mentally smack myself for not thinking before I speak.
She shakes her head in disbelief, “No, asshole.” Finally, she looks into my eyes and I know she’s telling the truth. “I’ve only ever been with you. At least I know I can say that and it’s not a lie.” Macy takes a step back. “Forget it, Landon. Forget I even mentioned it. I’ll handle it.”
“You took those pills at that party and blacked out.” My hands start sweating. How could this be? “How do you know you didn’t sleep with anyone else?” I’m freaking the fuck out.
“Un-fucking-believable. I was with Heather, you idiot.”
I laugh sarcastically, “Well, that makes me feel better. She’s more of a whore than your sister.”
Macy’s eyes go wide in surprise, “You pissed Madison won’t sleep with you or wait, she already has, hasn’t she?”
She’s being a snarky bitch today and if I weren’t so fucking pissed off at the world it’d probably turn me on. “Believe me, Macy, if I want to fuck Madison, I can. Anytime.” I’m being a dick but fuck it.
Her eyes pool with tears and it should make me want to take it back but I don’t. I can’t deal with this shit right now. My head falls back and I look up to the sky and curse. Can anything else go wrong?
I shove my hands in my pockets, “Macy,” I croak out suddenly feeling like I’ve swallowed a bunch of knives. She stands there with her hands on her hips and my eyes flicker to her stomach for a brief minute. “I’m sorry.”
I turn around and leave her standing there. I don’t know why I said I’m sorry but it felt like it needed to be said. My mind is going in all different directions, my vision is going blurry. I need to get the hell out of here but I don’t know where to go.
What the hell am I going to do if she’s pregnant? I can’t raise a baby, I’m barely surviving myself. How would I support them? I probably just lost my chance to play in the NFL.
December 5, 2013
Days turn into nights.
Time stands still, or does it at least feel that way?
After receiving the shitty news that I’d lost my scholarship and I have to attend drug and alcohol classes and then getting the final blow from Macy that she’s late I went straight to the liquor store and stocked up on whiskey. Then I met up with Jay and told him to triple my normal stash. I’ve finally hit rock bottom. I thought things were fucked up before but now they are even more.
Some days I wish it would have been me who died in that accident. I don’t deserve to be here. Everything I touch turns to shit and I’m left with nothing. The only thing that I still have is Macy and it’s only a matter of time before she’s gone for good. I’ve got to cut strings once and for all if she doesn’t turn out to be pregnant. I’m going to ruin her and I’ll never be able to live with myself if I do. I know I can do no wrong in Macy’s eyes and maybe that’s what is wrong with us. She’s never blamed me for anything that’s happened, nothing. Where I choose to numb my emotions Macy chooses to numb her feelings with me. It’s the only thing that makes sense, how else could she deal with me knowing I’ve hooked up with other girls during our on again, off again relationship.
***
I’ve kept myself in a high, drunken state for days now. I don’t want to feel anything, I want the numbness. I need it. Being high