I sit there in my seat, quiet. I’m contemplating everything he just said to me and I’m pissed at myself for giving into him, for allowing him to give me that little bit of pleasure. Pissed I let myself feel. The power he has over me regardless of how fucking angry I am at him is almost overwhelming. I yearn for what was, yet I’m reduced to being satisfied with what we are.
I reach for the door handle. I’m about to run. I have to get away from him or I’ll just let him take me home and let him have his way with me.
Landon stares straight ahead when he says, “You running to Cash now?”
This time it’s me who smirks, “Maybe I am.”
His eyes train on the streetlights casting the tree shadows over the hood. “Are you fucking him and not me?”
Huffing and shaking my head I open the door. I turn my body so my legs are dangling over the seat. “I’m fucking whomever I want, Landon. The dead fish that you seemed to have turned into isn’t quite doing it anymore. At least Cash is about something. At least he’s trying to live his life.”
And then I’m sliding out of the truck and running down the street back toward the party.
The rain has fizzled to a mist. As I approach Tim’s house I see Declan wrap an arm around Heather and they go back inside. I don’t want to ruin her night after probably ruining the game for her earlier. I don’t want to go home yet either so I sit down on the front steps.
A little while later I spot Cash out front. He sees me and a warm smile presents itself. He’s exactly what I need tonight. A friend.
“You okay?” He asks bumping into my shoulder.
When he asks it’s like a dam opens up. “I’m going to kill Landon. I hate him so much sometimes.”
Cash looks scared, like he doesn’t know what to say to comfort me but he doesn’t need to say anything, him just being here is enough.
“I know of a party!” he says a little too loud. Cash is well on his way to being drunk. It doesn’t happen often but when it does it’s a riot. And it’s exactly what I need.
We go three houses down to another party. A party I know Landon’s not going to be at.
Cash gets us beer and we sit down on the steps that lead upstairs. My mind drifts back to Landon and Madison on prom. It’s always that night for me. It’s a memory that will never go away.
Could that have been Cash and me in that closet finding comfort? Could I ever turn off my feelings enough to be with Cash like Landon was going to do with Madison?
“Do you ever think about us together?”
Cash looks at me like I’ve lost my mind and at this point I think I have.
I shrug. “What?”
“Me and you?”
I nod.
“No,” he answers a little too quickly. “Never.”
I shouldn’t be surprised by his answer but it hurts a little bit. I’m just like Madison in appearances. Why couldn’t he think of me like that?
“Oh.” I roll my head side-to-side feeling like an idiot.
“Well, fuck, I didn’t mean it like that, Macy but it’s the whole bros before ho’s thing.” Cash throws an arm around my shoulder trying to soften the blow. “I just meant that you’re like my sister in so many ways that it would be weird to think of you as anything else.”
Saylor, Cash’s roommate, and Austin, another teammate of Cash’s, find us and we start doing shots. We’re carrying on having a good time when my phone beeps. I pull it out of my pocket and see it’s a text from Landon.
Landon 11:38 pm: How’s Cash?
Landon 11:39 pm: Fuck. I’m sorry.
Landon 11:40 pm: I need you.
I look up to see Cash looking at me. He knows it’s Landon texting me. “There’s always a choice, Macy.”
“Sometimes there’s not, Cash.” Because really there isn’t. It’s not often that Landon says he needs me. I want to run to him. I want to be there for him but then I think about that girl with her legs wrapped around him. It should have been mine but they weren’t.
Cash and I walk into the other room where it isn’t so loud. The alcohol is flowing through my veins now and I’m feeling a little braver.
I smile, “Would it be totally inappropriate if I sent him a text that says