Macy pushed me until I was almost falling off the bed. “I was there too. I saw the whole fucking thing happen and there wasn’t a damn thing I could have done to stop it. It was an accident, Landon. An accident. You didn’t burn him on purpose with that joint. You didn’t swerve the car into an oncoming car to get back at anyone.”
I know that there is a slight chance that I didn’t cause the accident because the guy driving the other car was drunk. His blood alcohol level was three times the legal limit.
“If I wasn’t smoking I wouldn’t have dropped the joint. Steven would still be here!” I yelled back, frustrated that she doesn’t understand. “See, this is why I run to Madison.”
Macy just cried and I let her. I didn’t comfort her because she had every right to be mad at me. After a while she settled down.
“I don’t want to lose you too, Landon,” she said with a scratchy, raw voice.
She didn’t realize that she already had but I don’t tell her that. If she needed me to be able to cope then so be it. It’s all I could do to make this a little bit better for her.
“Will you go to sleep with me?” she asked while yawning.
I didn’t answer her but I did lie back in her bed with her. She wrapped her body around me. “Please don’t leave me,” she said sleepily.
Before I even had a chance to answer her she was fast asleep and I’m leaving her to sleep alone because this is too hard to deal with being sober.
Madison hands me the joint back that we are smoking. I inhale and ask Madison something I’ve always wanted to know. “Would you have let me?”
“Let you fuck me?”
“Jesus…” I laugh. Madison is always so blunt about things. I love that she keeps it real and doesn’t try to add the fluff all the time. “You’re so fucking crass.”
“So…”
Madison shrugs, clearly avoiding my question. By the way she’s staring at her hands, she doesn’t want to answer it, or she’s thinking about something else entirely.
“Answer it.”
“Answer what?”
I roll my eyes. “Stop avoiding the question.” I need the answer. I stone my expression so she knows I’m serious. “Would you have let me?”
Madison thinks for a second and I’m curious what she’s going to say next. It could be anything knowing her. “I probably would have let you stick it in.” I shake my head, she’s fucking kidding around. “But then I would have stopped you.”
“Oh, man,” my head falls back against the wall with a thud as I laugh, “that would have totally sucked for me.”
I wonder what would happen if I did have sex with Madison. We’ve had so many opportunities that had we really wanted to, we could have.
I’m not gonna lie, I have thought about it. She’s so different than Macy that I wonder.
That’s all I ever do though. Wonder.
I can’t bring myself to do anything more because she’s not Macy. She’s not my shining star.
I would have done just that too. I would have taken anything she would have given me that night. It’s what I did back then. Madison is one of the very few people I trust completely. She understands me on an emotional level that I don’t let others see. She knows me almost as much as Macy does. The only difference is that Macy gets the physical side. People may see me around campus and at parties with other girls but they don’t know what happens between them and me. Only I know. Yeah, I’ve kissed other girls, I’ve felt them up, I’ve stuck my hands down some of their panties but that’s all that has happened. The second I get close to going further Macy flashes into my mind and it’s like a bucket of cold water has been thrown on me. And whether I want to admit it or not, Macy has my heart wrapped around every possible side of her so much so that no one will ever be able to separate us.
October 17, 2013
I met Jay at our normal spot before heading over to the party. I could have brought Madison along with me but she needs to stay the hell away from him.
When I arrive, Jay isn’t here yet so I lean up against the tree and out of the rain to wait. I adjust the hat on my head and then