Dan pulls up a chair and sits down and he looks exactly like the husband I’ve known and loved all these years, except, he’s not, is he? He’s stuffed full of secrets.
I’m bubbling over again. I need to confront him. If I can’t bring myself to brandish his texts to Mary, I can brandish something else.
‘I know you’re cooking up something at work,’ I fling out at him. ‘I heard you at the hospital, talking to my mother. “A million pounds, maybe two,” huh, Dan? Is that what you’re borrowing? Without telling me? Is this for that Copenhagen business?’
Dan’s eyes widen. ‘For fuck’s sake.’
‘I heard you!’ I know my voice is shrill but I can’t help it. ‘“One million, maybe two!” Jesus, Dan! This is our future you’re gambling on! And I know exactly what it’s about really—’
‘Oh yes?’ Dan says in ominous tones. ‘What’s it about really?’
Seriously? He’s asking this?
‘My father!’ I almost yell. ‘What do you think? It’s always about my father! You can’t stand that Daddy was rich and successful, you can’t stand that he was admired, you look miserable any time anyone says anything nice about him—’
‘I do not,’ snaps Dan.
‘Oh my God, Dan, are you for real?’ I almost want to laugh, except it’s not funny. ‘Have you seen yourself? It’s completely obvious. And that’s why you want to expand your company, not because it’s good for us, as a family, but because you’ve got to compete with my father, who by the way, is dead. Dead. You’re so bloody chippy, and I’m sick of it.’
I break off, panting, tears rising, half-terrified. I can’t believe I called Dan ‘chippy’. It’s a word I vowed never, ever to use. But now I have. I’ve crossed a line.
A vein is twitching in Dan’s forehead. He stares at me for a few silent moments and I can see a million thoughts passing through his eyes, but I can’t read any of them.
‘I can’t do this,’ he says abruptly, pushing back his chair.
‘Can’t do what?’ I throw after him, but he doesn’t answer, just strides into the hall and up the stairs.
‘Dan!’ I hurry after him furiously. ‘Come back! We need to talk!’
‘Jesus, Sylvie!’ Dan pauses halfway up the stairs and wheels round. ‘Are you for real? We do not need to talk. I’m fucking talked out. I need to have some space. Some space. To think. To … I need space. Space.’ He clutches his head. ‘Space.’
‘Oh, space,’ I say, as scathingly as I can, because inside my heart is beating a tattoo of panic.
This has all gone far worse than I expected, far more quickly. I want to pull it back. I want to say, ‘Please. Please, Dan. Tell me you don’t love her.’ But I’m petrified of what he might say. So much for knowing him inside out; for being psychic; for finishing off his sentences. I have no idea what he’s about to say any more.
I feel almost faint with fear, standing here in my familiar hall, staring up at my unfamiliar husband. He’s gazing at me with a wry expression that makes my hair stand on end, because it’s not one of our looks. It’s the kind of look he might give to a stranger.
‘I meant to tell you,’ he says at last, in a voice that doesn’t ring true. ‘I’ve got a trip tomorrow. I need to fly up to … Glasgow. I might as well go and stay at an airport hotel tonight.’
‘Glasgow?’ I stare at him. ‘Why Glasgow?’
‘Possible new supplier,’ he says, looking away, and my heart plunges. He’s lying. I can tell.
He’s going to her.
‘Fine.’ I manage the single syllable, even though my lungs feel like they’re packing up.
‘Tell the girls I’ll be back soon. Give them a kiss.’
‘Fine.’
He turns and trudges up the stairs and I stand, motionless, replaying our conversation in my head on a loop, feeling as if any move I make might be wrong. After a few minutes he’s back, holding the leather weekend bag I gave him our first Christmas together.
‘Dan, listen.’ I swallow, trying not to sound desperate. ‘Why don’t you stay here tonight? Couldn’t you drive to the airport in the morning?’
‘I have stuff I need to do,’ he says, staring resolutely past me. ‘It’ll be simpler if … I’ll text Karen. I’m sure she’ll do some extra hours, take care of the school run …’
The school run? Is that what he thinks I’m worried about?