no idea how much Mrs Kendrick has spent propping us up.
‘So you’re really going to sell?’ I can’t help a catch in my voice. ‘You said you’d give us a chance.’
‘I haven’t said I won’t,’ Robert says after a pause. ‘Nothing’s definite. It’s just …’ He exhales. ‘It’s a big job. Bigger than I first imagined. It’s not just turning round an ocean liner. It’s turning round an ocean liner while also saving the ocean liner from sinking. YouTube videos won’t save us. A new website … well, maybe. But maybe not.’
The rain is drumming on the windows as he refreshes my glass. I can feel sadness settling about me like a cloud. So that’s it. The end of an era. At home, maybe it’s the end of another era. And suddenly I can’t stop tears rolling down my cheeks. I was so happy. My life made sense. Now I feel like the whole lot is unravelling. Job, income, husband …
‘Oh God. Sylvie, I’m sorry—’ Robert looks perturbed. ‘Look, as I say, it’s not for definite … it won’t be for a while … we’ll help you find new positions …’
‘It’s not that.’ I take out my hanky and wipe my face. ‘Sorry. It’s … personal stuff.’
‘Ah,’ he says – and there’s an immediate shift in the air. I can actually feel the molecules changing. It’s as if my professional life was a beaker of clear water and now I’ve introduced a drop of home life colour and it’s slowly seeping through everything.
I glance up, as though to reassure myself that Robert isn’t remotely interested in my ridiculous private affairs – but he’s leaning forward, a crease in his forehead as though he is interested. Very interested.
His hair is about twice the thickness of Dan’s, I find myself noticing randomly. Thick and dark and shiny. And I can smell his aftershave from here. It’s expensive. Nice.
‘I won’t pry,’ says Robert, after a long pause.
‘It’s not …’ I shrug. ‘I just …’ I wipe my nose, trying to get control of myself. ‘Are you married?’ I find myself asking, I don’t even know why.
‘No.’ He pauses. ‘I was with someone.’
‘Right.’
‘But even that wasn’t easy. Marriage …’ He shrugs.
‘Yup.’
‘But I will say one thing.’ Robert gulps his wine. ‘I probably shouldn’t, but I will. If your husband has, in any way … If he for one moment … If he doesn’t realize what he has—’ He breaks off and looks at me full on, his eyes dark and unreadable. ‘Then he’s mad. He’s mad.’
I can feel my skin shimmer under Robert’s gaze. I’m transfixed by his eyes. His shiny hair. His forthright manner. He’s so different from Dan. He’s a different variety of man. A different flavour altogether.
If life is like a box of chocolates, then getting married is like choosing a chocolate and saying, ‘That’s it, done,’ and slamming the lid closed. When you make your vows, what you’re basically saying is: ‘That’s all I want, ever. That one flavour. Even if it goes off. Yum. I can’t even see any other flavours any more, la-la-la.’
And it might be your favourite flavour. And you might truly love it. But can you help it if you sometimes look over at the honeycomb crunch and think … mmm?
‘He’s mad,’ Robert repeats, his eyes still locked on mine. ‘Do you want to get something to eat?’ he adds, more tentatively.
In a flash, a door in my mind seems to open. Through it, I can see a glittering, beckoning chain of events, starting right now. Dinner. More drinks. Laughter and a blurred head and a screw you, Dan kind of exhilaration. A hand on my arm, murmurings in my ear … dancing? A taxi? The dimly lit corridor of a hotel … unfamiliar lips on mine … hands peeling off my clothes … a new body against mine …
It would be good.
And it would be terrible.
It would screw me up. I’m just not in that place. I don’t know what place I am in … but it’s not that one.
‘No thanks,’ I say at last, my breath a little jagged. ‘I’d better go and … But thanks. Thanks. Really. Thanks.’
I get home before Dan, say goodbye to Karen with a cheery smile, put the children to bed and then just wait in the kitchen, feeling like a Bond villain.
I’ve been expecting you, Mr Winter. That’s my line. Except it’s not true. Until last night I didn’t expect any of this. Extramarital affairs? Secret drawers? Little