end up being the worst holiday of my life. I finally have the chance to be part of a group of girls, to actually belong somewhere, and you saying no will ruin that for me. If I don’t go tonight, then I will never be part of that group, and everything will be ruined.”
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. The drama! Instead I nod, as if I am carefully considering everything she is saying, and pull Sam out to the screen porch to see what he thinks.
“I think she should go,” he says, before I have a chance to say anything.
“There’s something I don’t feel right about,” I admit reluctantly. “I know Trudy is family, kind of, but you saying you thought she was fast has really made me uncomfortable. I think you’re right. And I worry about what they’ll get up to.”
“Fast doesn’t mean bad, it just means she’s a little more worldly. Frankly I think you’re incredibly lucky that Annie’s had such an innocent ride up until now. What were you doing at that age? I was smoking pot like it was going out of fashion, and I’m pretty damn sure you were drinking your way into oblivion.”
“Maybe. But this is Annie! Sweet, innocent Annie. I don’t want her corrupted.”
“Sweetie, it’s going to happen, whether you like it or not. If she’s going to experiment with something, surely it’s better it happens here rather than London? It’s not only safer, it’s contained. We’re leaving in less than two weeks and then it’s over. Plus, this is part of growing up. You can’t protect her forever.”
I sigh. “I really don’t want to say yes, but I know she will never get over it. Also, I do see your point. If she’s going to get stoned, let it happen on a beach on Nantucket.”
“I’m sure their shit is better anyway,” says Sam. “I spent my teenage years rolling joints out of hash. Horrible stuff. Half the time it just made me throw up. At least here you’ve got to presume they’re getting good grass.”
“You do realize you’re talking to a recovering alcoholic?” I say. “And you’re not exactly alcohol-free. Maybe we’re the ones who are fucked up? Maybe what you and I think is normal isn’t normal at all and we should be saying no?”
And I realize it’s true. For a very long time I presumed that all teenagers did what I did, got drunk, were wild, had nights they couldn’t remember. I thought it was absolutely normal to drink, to get stoned, it was part of being a teenager, and I fully expected that when I grew up and had children of my own, they would do exactly the same thing.
Then I got sober. And I started to hear other people talk about their childhoods, and they didn’t have the kind of teenage years I had. Of course there were fights with their parents, and discord, and hard times, but most people didn’t lose their teenage years to a sea of drugs and alcohol. Most people didn’t accept that as normal behavior.
It wasn’t what everyone did.
“We’re not fucked up,” says Sam. “Maybe just a bit, but in the best possible way. And despite all of it, neither you or I is doing so badly. Let’s not turn this into something bigger. Just let her have fun. It’s a holiday, and it’s her cousin. Who knows when they’ll see each other again, and she’ll love you much more for saying yes.”
“You’re right, you’re right.” I sigh, and go back into the kitchen to tell Annie she can go.
“I love you!” She jumps up from the table, literally shrieking with joy, flinging her arms around me and covering my face with kisses, the surly teenager just sitting at the kitchen table now replaced by my sweet little girl. “You’re the best mum in the whole world!” And even though I know this isn’t real, even though I know this is temporary and will only last about two more minutes, I put my arms around her and sink into this moment of joy.
* * *
Sam and I walk up and down the docks in Nantucket Harbor, trying to peer into all the boats, amazed at the luxury and beauty of some of them, the size. Every now and then he pauses, whipping out his phone and furiously texting, and I glance over to see Eddie’s name. Each time a text arrives, Sam starts smiling like a lovestruck teenager.