Julia leans forward. “Listen, it really is good to see you, Cat. But I mean it, you might not want to think about doing this whole amends thing with Ellie. My sister is an expert at holding grudges, I’m afraid. She was kind of suspicious of you from the outset, and after what happened, well, she wouldn’t be exactly pleased to see you.”
“I did write to her.”
“I know.”
“Did she rip it up?”
Julia grins.
“So how about you, Julia? Are you happy?” I have no idea why I ask this. I hadn’t anticipated asking this, and she certainly doesn’t owe me any information about herself whatsoever. But I hope she is happy. I hope life is treating her well.
“It’s good. It’s … my life. Not what I expected, but I work hard, I play hard.”
“Do you live in the same house? Your dad’s old house?”
“No. I did for a while, but we sold it a couple of years ago to some bajillionaire from New York who paid us a fortune and promptly tore the whole thing down to put up a McMansion. Ellie can’t even drive by without crying. I don’t mind, though. It gave me the money for the store.”
“So where do you live?”
“Right now I’m renting a small house in town. Where are you staying?”
“A house off Cliff Road.”
She lets out a long whistle, orders another prosecco. “Fancy.”
“It’s not. It’s the least fancy house in the whole area. Maybe you could come over one night? For drinks? Or maybe we could meet with the girls. I think Annie would love to meet Trudy.”
Julia frowns. “I don’t know what Ellie would say. I mean, of course it would be great, they’re cousins, or half cousins, or something, but Ellie might go nuts.”
“I guess it’s not something we could keep a secret.” I can’t keep the disappointment out of my voice, knowing that secrets are no way to live a sober life.
Julia looks pensive. “It would be good if they met. Maybe I can talk to Ellie, make her see sense. Let me see if I can figure it out. God knows I’ve kept enough secrets for Trudy. Ellie would have a shit fit if she knew even half of what Trudy gets up to. They should meet, you’re right. I’ll see if I can persuade Ellie.”
Cousins. Half cousins. I remember how I loved it that when we met, all those years ago, Julia never referred to me as her half sister, always as her sister, and again I am struck with the loss of something I only had for such a brief period of time.
I think of Annie, how thrilled she would be to meet someone her own age, never mind someone related, how much better this holiday would be if she had someone to pal around with, and I nod, excited. “If there’s any chance it could be sooner rather than later, that would be spectacular,” I say, as the waitress comes over and we order another drink.
* * *
I am on a high for the rest of the day. I am on a high at having found my sister again, at having our “confrontation” be anything but. At having been forgiven. I am on a high because the amends to my family, last on my list, have been hanging over my head like a black cloud of doom ever since I got sober.
I have been carrying this fear, this dread, for the longest time, terrified of what she would say. It turns out that it is true when people say you have nothing to fear but the fear itself. I cannot believe how much I have dreaded meeting Julia again, expecting her to rage at me, or dismiss me, to be furious, but she wasn’t.
I would never have expected her to be warm, welcoming, as comfortable to be with as she was all those years ago.
I could almost weep with joy.
* * *
I tell Annie about Trudy later that evening, when I go in to kiss her good night, and she perks up, thrilled at the sudden possibility of meeting a cousin she didn’t know about. I explain about Ellie, about how she and I didn’t get on, without going into too many details, and explain that Julia is hopefully going to smooth the waters. I tell her not to get her hopes up, but as I say the words I realize how much I want this, to give Annie what I never had: a cousin; bloodlines; family.