sober. When I was here, all those years ago, I was drinking.”
“We were all drinking,” says Julia, looking ruefully down at her prosecco. “Some of us still are.”
“There’s a difference between drinking socially and not being able to stop. I never seemed able to stop at two or three glasses of wine. There were times when I didn’t drink at all, which was how I was able to convince myself I didn’t have a problem, but when I drank, I had no off switch. I drank until I passed out. But all of this is kind of irrelevant. What’s relevant is that I came here to find my family, and I committed the worst kind of betrayal with your boyfriend. I am so, so sorry, Julia. I never ever intended that to happen. I don’t know how it happened, and I have to make my amends to you.”
I am watching her, and she is looking into her drink, not meeting my eyes.
“I was a horrible person,” I say. “Selfish, self-pitying, everything was all about me. I have changed, which probably doesn’t matter in the slightest to you, and nor should it, but I have wanted to apologize to you for years. My behavior here has been with me for years. I know you probably want nothing to do with me, but I needed to see you, to do this in person.”
I am astonished to see Julia blinking back tears. Instinctively I reach for her, wanting to comfort her, but she shrinks back and my arms return to my sides.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, knowing how lame it sounds.
“I don’t really know what to say,” she says, after a silence. “I suppose this is the last thing I ever expected to happen. It was such a long time ago, Cat. I mean, I appreciate the apology, I do. I think it must have taken an awful lot to come back here and say the things you’ve said, but there really isn’t anything to apologize for. We were young, and God knows I did enough stupid things of my own. I knew you were drunk. I knew you didn’t remember, and honestly, you did me something of a favor. I might have ended up married to Aidan, and Lord only knows how that might have turned out. Clearly fidelity wasn’t his strong point, so as far as I’m concerned, you saved me. Truly, you did.”
I sit back, stunned. “Do you really think that?”
“Oh, Cat,” she says through laughter. “Those were crazy times. We all did some crazy shit, me included. Too much coke. Too many drugs. Prescription ones too.” She shakes her head with another laugh. “Dr. Feelgood was pretty much my longest relationship.”
“Dr. Feelgood?”
“That’s what we called him because he doled out so much great prescription medication. I had too much sex with inappropriate men, and probably not enough sex with the appropriate ones. I never got married. The only one who did really talk about getting married and having babies was Aidan, but…” She shrugs. “Perhaps that was all part of his Irish charm. That was probably what he did with everyone.” She reaches over and puts a hand on my arm. “I am really touched with your apology, but you mustn’t feel bad, Cat. We have all moved on.”
I pause. “Ellie too?”
“Ah.” She raises an eyebrow. “Ellie’s still somewhat binary. Once you betray Ellie, or someone she loves … Betray!” She laughs again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to use such a strong word. But Ellie has never been very good with forgiveness, and she wasn’t exactly excited at the prospect of another sister to begin with.”
“Is she here, on island?”
Julia peers at me. “She is, but if you’re planning on saying the same thing to her, on apologizing, my best advice to you would be, don’t. She won’t be interested. I’ve never been able to bring your name up again.”
Why would she bring my name up? I think.
“I’ve thought about you over the years,” she admits. “You blew in like this incredible whirlwind, this sister who seemed so much more like a sister to me than the one I was raised with, and then, poof, it all blew up and that was that.”
“I’ve thought about you too,” I say, blinking back the tears that have unexpectedly pooled in my eyes.
“Jules?” We both turn to see the girl from the store. “Mom’s on the phone. She wants to know if I’m staying with you tonight. Can I?”