ripple of laughter around the room. “And he pulled back. She was jealous of the good relationship we had. And maybe she realized something that I hadn’t even realized, not on a conscious level anyway, about how I still felt about him. She hated me, and things were difficult for a while, and I didn’t see him much, and then he flew out to Nantucket, just now, after our daughter had the accident.
“And having him there was amazing. It felt like we were a proper family again, only without it feeling precarious. Every time I was sober before, I always knew, in the back of my head, it wasn’t going to last. I would white-knuckle through it until I couldn’t do it anymore. I had no idea what it meant to live in recovery, to live a peaceful and serene life, until this time. And being with my hus … ex-husband, in the place I am today, was amazing. And after a few days, it hit me that I still love him. I’m still in love with him.” I pause, my eyes welling up, as someone slides a box of tissues over.
“So there I was, thinking things were great, thinking that it was only a matter of time before something happened between us, because there was chemistry. I know there was chemistry there. Toward the end there was a night where I felt something was going to happen, and it was confusing, I could see it was confusing for him too, so he went out. He didn’t come back for hours, and because I’m a woman and a little bit crazy, I started panicking, so I went looking for him. And I found him in a bar, not drinking, he’s a recovering alcoholic too, but kissing someone.” I pause and take a deep breath. “My half sister.”
There is an audible gasp around the room, and it actually makes me laugh. “I know! Right? And not the one who was a bitch, who wanted nothing to do with me, but the one I thought had forgiven me. The one who was pretending to have forgiven me. He didn’t see me. But she did. And she looked into my eyes, at my shocked expression, and smiled. I knew instantly that this had nothing to do with him, that her accepting my amends was crap; this was all about revenge. She could see how much he meant to me; she knew that the best way to hurt me was through my daughter, or him. And she did. I have no idea if they slept together. I imagine they did. I imagine she would have had to do the same thing to me as I did to her all those years ago. And had I not showed up at the bar, had I not happened to see them, I know she would have found another way to let me know she had seduced the man I love.”
I pause to wipe the tears from my eyes. “I haven’t spoken to him since then. I avoided him the next day, and I’ve managed to avoid him since. I have no idea if he knows anything. Probably not. And I have been sick with grief, and anger, and hatred. Fury with both of them, with her, and so much fury and pain with him. It’s my half sister. He knew it was out of bounds. I still can’t believe he did it. But I also know that avoiding the pain, avoiding my feelings, avoiding him, is old behavior. If anything was painful, I would just run away, cut people off, pretend it had never happened, and I can’t do that now. I can’t do that because avoiding all the painful stuff is going to ultimately lead me to picking up a drink, and I won’t do it; I have to do things differently. But my God, I have wanted to drink. I get to the end of every day thanking God that I managed not to, because it’s all I want to do, to drown the pain. But I haven’t, because I know it’s a few moments of reprieve, and then the spiral down to hell, and I can’t go back there, no matter what’s going on in my life.
“The reading today tells me not to hide. It tells me to tell my ex-husband what I know, and how hurt and betrayed I feel. I don’t know that I necessarily have to tell him I’m still in