I shifted to face him, but he held me still. “Why do you want to talk about that?”
“Because I do and we’re trying that new honesty thing all the kids are talking about.”
I sighed. “I lost my virginity just before my eighteenth birthday.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
“Well, that’s the answer. With sex, I’ve always been the one in control.”
His fingers stilled, then continued drawing circles on my flesh just beside my bra strap. “Who was he?”
“My brother’s friend. Eventually, he was my friend.”
“Why did you break up?”
“We didn’t. He died.”
He let out an audible breath. “I’m sorry. How old were you when he died?”
“Eighteen. I was in Philly when it happened. I didn’t go home for his funeral. Last month was the first time I’d been home in years. I think it’s the first time I actually processed his death.”
“Next time you have to go home, I could go with you.”
I rested my head on his shoulder. “Thanks, but I don’t intend to go back.” And I didn’t want to think about home, so I continued answering his question.
“After Gavin, I tried dating for a split second. It didn’t end well. I assumed everyone had sex the same way. I probably put that guy in therapy. He never called.”
Noah chuckled.
“Then, I decided to do some research. The Internet could be a scary playground. I visited the most otherworldly corners of the World Wide Web until I was able to sort of piece together what I was.”
“What did you think you were?”
I shrugged. “A Domme or a Dominatrix. The label never much mattered, but it helped me meet the right people. I hooked up with this guy Tucker. We met online, and we seemed to be searching for the same thing. We lasted about a year, but we never slept together.”
“I’m sorry, what?”
I smiled at his confusion. I’d warned him I wasn’t normal. Neither were my needs.
“It wasn’t sexual with Tucker. Not as much as it was personal. We shared a puzzle piece we both needed to feel whole. He needed pain, and I needed power. When I hurt him, I did so with careful affection. When he cried, it was beautiful, like poetry in motion. Our co-dependent relationship went deeper than fucking and was sometimes far more intimate than making love.”
“Are you saying you’re a sadist?”
“No. But I’m addicted to that feeling. It doesn’t matter if I’m being tender or cruel, so long as I’m the one calling the shots.”
Gavin wasn’t the pain slut Tucker had been, yet we still fit together because he liked being controlled and needed someone to control him. I was that person. Same with Tucker, but with a lot more leather and toys.
“Why did it end with that guy?”
A bittersweet flutter teased my heart. “He fell in love.” The irony was, once Tucker found Raoul, he claimed he no longer craved the pain as much. I envied him for that, wondering if I’d ever stop needing control.
“Who was next?”
I smiled, detecting that he expected my list to take hours. Wouldn’t he be surprised? “You.”
“That’s it?”
“Sorry to disappoint you, but you’re only the third person I’ve slept with.”
He leaned forward to look me in the eye. “You’re serious?”
I shrugged. “How many women have you been with?”
“More than three.”
Ugh, why did I ask that? I didn’t want to picture him with other women. And now we were just sitting in this awkward silence, and it was all I could picture. “Say something.”
“I’m getting hard thinking about the fact that I was only your third.”
“I can tell.”
He nudged his hips forward, and I laughed. “Feel like taking care of that for me?”
“While you have some other woman’s lipstick on your lips?” I grimaced. “No, thanks.”
“I told you that was an accident.”
“Did you trip and fall on her mouth?”
“No, but I stopped her the second she tried to kiss me.”
Was that a dig at me for not stopping Micah? My smile faded. “I don’t always know how to respond, Noah. The girl I was never got any attention. If you saw what I looked like—”
“Avery, I saw the pictures in your album. You were a kid. There was nothing wrong with your looks. You’re still the same person.” He gave me a little shake. “This is the real you.”
“It doesn’t feel real.”
“Why don’t you stop trying to be what you think others expect and just be you?”
Just be me? Sometimes I was. Sometimes I was just Avery, building a snowman with