“Yeah, that’s what she said.” Humor fills his voice.
Spinning on the stairs, I lean forward, gripping the railings as I glare down at my brother from my height on the staircase. “What did you say?”
“She kind of told you off, but who needs her?” Nolan scoffs, dismissing Rita, whom he’s met for all of two seconds.
“Nolan, you don’t know what you’re talking about.” I twist for the remainder of the stairs, but Nolan won’t let it go.
“You don’t need her making you feel guilty for something you didn’t do,” he states. His comment is like a knife to my back because Nolan doesn’t get it. He wasn’t in love with his high school sweetheart, who became the mother of his child. He never had a wife like I did. He’s been reckless and loose his entire life, never giving his heart to another. Turning back for him, I brace my hands on the railing once more.
“You know what, Nolan? Just shut the fuck up.”
“Dude,” he mutters, chuckling under his breath.
“Dude, nothing. I like that woman. And she liked me. When she didn’t know anything, she thought I was the shit. Do you know what that’s like?” I glare at him, driving in my own knife of regret. Nolan isn’t a bad man, but he makes poor choices.
“That’s a low blow,” Nolan hisses, squinting at me.
“No, it’s not. All you do is think with your dick. It’s how you ended up with Rory. It’s how you ended up like this.” I wave out at him in his wheelchair.
“This has nothing to do with my dick,” he snaps, shifting his chair so he can face me head-on, but I’m half a flight above him.
“All you cared about in life was getting laid and having a good time. You had no concept of responsibility. You had no idea what it was like.”
“What what is like?” He fights back. “Having my teenage years taken from me?”
“You did that to yourself, Nolan. You fucked a girl and had a baby. You took away your teenage years and spent the rest of your life still acting like a teen.”
“Yeah, and you fucked some pretty pussy, and now you’re just pissed because she doesn’t believe in you. That’s on her, Jake. You don’t need that.”
“No, it’s on me because I went to jail for a fire I can’t prove I didn’t set, and that fire killed a man. A man I never met and loved that woman.” I wave out toward the front door behind him at the base of the stairs. “He was her fiancé, did you know that? She loved him. Love, Nolan,” I emphasize because it’s an emotion I don’t think he comprehends. “And now, she’ll never look at me again.”
“Love?” Nolan scoffs again. “Now who’s thinking with his dick?”
I make it down the stairs so fast, I’m not certain I’ve touched them. Gripping my hands on the armrests of his chair, I lean over my brother, getting right in his face.
“Have you ever been in love, Nolan? Were you the one married? Oh wait, that was me, your brother. Whose wife came onto you and wanted to sleep with you while I was in prison for a crime I didn’t commit. So don’t preach to me about thinking with my dick.”
“Fuck you, man,” Nolan yells at me. I should feel sorry for him and his condition. I should apologize for my outburst, but I don’t have it in me. I’ve coddled my brother for too long.
“No, fuck you, little brother.” I turn for the stairs once more, making a show of using my legs to hike up them two at a time. When I return down them, Nolan is no longer in sight, and I don’t care.
I don’t care about anything but getting out of here.
16
Rita
I couldn’t say I cried myself to sleep because that would imply I actually slept. For over twenty-four hours, I sat and stared, fighting the pull to close my swollen eyes. The nightmares behind my lids threatened to return with a vengeance. The betrayal I felt ran deep within my veins. I hadn’t felt this lethargic in seven years.
Thoughts of Ian filled every crevice I worked hard to seal over that time. Machlian—Ian—Sanders had been the love of my life. I was a late bloomer in respect to love. I’d had sex, but that deep-rooted desire to be with one man had not settled in my heart until him. I