In a Strange Room: Three Journeys Page 0,66

before, but he does it without protest, maybe only because he has no choice. All around him are other people similarly engaged, and there is a resigned solidarity in their efforts.

At some point in the day she looks over at the next bed and whispers confidingly, look at that one, she’s definitely in here for an eating disorder.

I glance across, perplexed. But she isn’t a patient, Anna, she’s a visitor.

Anna raises her head and peers. Well, she ought to be a patient, she says. She’s enormous.

No, she isn’t, I say, but before I can point out that the woman concerned is actually quite tiny, I break down in laughter. It’s a mad conversation, but for the first time in many days the madness is almost charming. Underneath the words is a glimmer of the friend I remember, eccentric and funny rather than demented.

Sjef stays with her that night and I go back to the room. Relief at having emerged from the tunnel makes it possible for me to sleep properly, and it’s in a state of semi-replenishment that I return to the hospital next morning. But even before I can cross the threshold of the ward I realize something is amiss. Sjef is waiting, he takes me grimly aside.

It’s been a difficult night, he says.

Difficult. I glance across at where Anna is sitting up in bed, her arms folded crossly, glaring back at us. Don’t worry, I’ll deal with her, I say.

But nothing has prepared him for the transformation that’s taken place. The sweet, feeble angel of yesterday has disappeared, to be replaced by something else completely. The dark stranger has waxed to the full. The first sign comes when he tries to talk to her about the way she’s treated Sjef. You don’t understand, she says. That’s only half the story. The fucking bastard. The way he speaks to me.

He’s spent the whole night looking after you.

Who asked him to. I don’t need looking after.

You do, but in any case somebody has to be here. It’s a hospital rule.

Why didn’t you do it. Where were you.

I was at the room, trying to sleep. Please, Anna, it was the first chance I’ve had. Sjef was helping me, so that I could rest.

Rest from what. You’re making a big fucking drama about nothing. All I want is cigarettes, that fucking bastard won’t buy them for me.

This is a coronary ward, you’re not allowed to smoke in here.

Fuck that, I’ll do what I fucking please. Go and get me cigarettes.

He looks at her, stunned. But before the conversation can go any further, she has another attack of diarrhoea. Help me, she orders, I have to go. There is the squatting down, the splattering. This is so horrible, she mutters. Horrible horrible horrible. It’s not much fun for me either, I say.

Afterwards, while I empty the bedpan in the bathroom, I have an uneasy qualm about what she might be up to. Panic makes me slop the mess over my hands, and washing myself clean slows me even further. But my instinctive premonition is correct, when I get back to the ward Anna is out of bed and heading off somewhere. Her legs are still wobbly, or she would have covered more ground.

Where are you going.

To buy cigarettes.

I told you, it’s not allowed, and anyway you have no money.

Take me back to the hotel. I’m fine now, I demand to leave this minute. It’s unconstitutional to keep me against my will.

The constitution won’t help you, this is India. And the more trouble you make, the longer you’ll have to stay here. Now get back into bed.

Unexpectedly, she obeys, but when she’s properly settled she says smugly, I wasn’t going to buy cigarettes, I was going to throw myself out of the window.

There are bars on the windows and they’re only on the first floor, but nevertheless he’s filled with furious despair. He tries to control his voice as he says, we are doing everything we can to keep you alive.

Who asked you to. Just let me die. Walk away. I give you permission to just walk away.

I’m not doing this for you. I’m doing it for other people who love you. And for me, so that I can look myself in the eye.

Hah. She fixes a certain gaze on him, a disdainful calculating stare. This is all your fault, you know. You took responsibility for me when you brought me along, and look what happened.

She is not too ill to sight and hit