In a Strange Room: Three Journeys Page 0,64

rats or insects, these elements belong to the rest of us, and to the days that follow. But I’m rescued by Caroline and by Sjef and his English wife Paula, who between them take turns helping me stand guard outside the door. We ride back and forth between the village and the hospital, an hour each way, in overlapping shifts.

The time I spend in the village is mostly occupied with e-mails and phone calls, messages both personal and official stitching across the sea. The biggest ongoing conversation is with Anna’s girlfriend in Cape Town. The devastation is enormous. I can feel her helplessness from the other side of the world, a witness who’s not even present. Of course she wants to come over immediately. But the practicalities are complicated, there is the visa, which will take a few days to organize, and also the flights are still full. But I try to dissuade her for another reason as well. It would be terrible for her to come here, only to discover that Anna doesn’t want her but somebody else instead. The memory of the last few weeks is still heavily with me, all the talk about Jean, her knight in shining armour, who has expressed no interest in rushing to her side, even though he’s been told what’s happened. He’s still a secret, but eventually I have to speak. There is something, I say, something I have to tell you.

Yes.

Anna had an affair over here.

There is a silence. I knew, she says at last, I knew it.

I’m sorry.

With a man.

Yes. She was determined to do it, I say, and any man would do. I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you before. But I thought you should know about it before you come out here. She’s been saying her relationship with you is over, that she wants to be with this guy.

Now I spill out all the details, everything that’s been kept under wraps. We seem to have arrived at some confessional core, where there are no more secrets, no more concealments. We are turning ourselves inside out, as if the truth might absolve us, but it only brings more pain. It may be in this conversation, or perhaps in another soon afterwards, that I walk with the phone into the middle of an empty field next to the hotel and bawl. I’m sorry, I tell her, I’m sorry I said I could look after her, I had no idea what I was taking on.

He returns to Anna’s journal and spends hours reading it, from the very first page. He feels no compunction about delving into her private thoughts and feelings, if she has brought us to this moment of truth, well, let it embrace her too. What he finds there is sad and shocking. It’s as he realized in the end, her act was not a momentary impulse, on the contrary, it was a goal she yearned for from the outset, one she worked herself up to by degrees. Her girlfriend has meanwhile discovered, hidden in their home somewhere, a letter that Anna left behind before her departure. It’s almost, but not quite, a suicide note, further proof that her plans were made far in advance. So she was never on their side, on the side of everybody who loved her and tried to make her well. Instead she was in league with the dark other stranger inside her, the one who wants her dead. It’s hard not to feel profoundly betrayed. Even as they made plans for the trip, with all the talk about how good it would be for her, she was already dreaming up this other scenario, in which she needed him as the helpless bystander, the custodian of her remains. If she recovers, which it begins to seem she might, he doesn’t know how he will ever be able to speak to her again.

Meanwhile he sweeps up the litter of discarded medicine wrappers from under the bed. It’s painful to be reminded every time he’s in the room, but there is another reason for this clean-up. Attempted suicide is a crime in India and there could be more serious trouble coming. When she was first admitted to the hospital in Margao, a policeman stationed at the emergency room came to speak to him and take his details. And at the hospital in Panjim a doctor approaches Sjef one day and tells him, if there is any hassle from the authorities, to give him a call.

In preparation for