Honestly, I was edgy about a lot of things these days.
“It went well.” She smiled, and being on the receiving end of her happiness jolted more high-voltage current through me. “Miss Ryan read my poem in poetry club today.”
“Nice.” I returned her smile. “Which one?”
“Alternate Ending.”
“Ah.” That was the one Lotus had written about her mom staying after falling deeper in love with her father rather than returning to Thailand. “That must have been intense for you.”
“It was, a little.” She nodded, a sudden dark cloud chasing away the previous sunniness of her expression.
“I’m sorry. Here,” I said gently. “Let me have that.” I slid her backpack off her shoulder and onto mine, wishing I could take on her heavier emotional burdens as easily.
“Thanks.” Licking her lips, she dropped her gaze.
Does her heart race and her mouth go dry when I touch her?
Sometimes I thought that she felt what I did. But even if she did, it didn’t matter. I wouldn’t cross that line. She was too young, and even if she weren’t, I wouldn’t risk messing up our friendship. Lotus was the only person I could share my feelings with. The only person who truly understood me.
She knew I was an outsider in my own home. She knew how trapped I felt, sandwiched between older and younger brothers who, unlike me, resembled my father and were readily acknowledged by my mother.
My older brother, Saber, did everything my father asked him to do, wanting to earn his approval. My younger brother, Shield, hid behind Saber, doing his best to be invisible.
And me? I didn’t have it in me to try to fit in anymore. I’d accepted that I didn’t belong.
“You sure you can carry all that?” Lotus watched me as I grabbed the two surfboards, hers and mine, that I’d leaned against the trunk of the palm tree.
“Two surfboards and backpacks?” I scoffed, noting that her pretty brown eyes were darker than usual and flecked with fire. That usually meant she was excited. “Yeah, I think I can handle it. C’mon. Let’s get going. Good surf’s not gonna wait.”
Nodding, she fell into step at my side, and we walked companionably on a route that was familiar.
The wide sidewalk took us around the perimeter of the school. Then we turned left on Sunset Cliffs Boulevard, strolling the palm-tree-lined street past residences and a couple of churches before crossing over Newport Avenue, the frequently photographed thoroughfare that led through the center of downtown Ocean Beach. Downhill our path would go until it ended at the water’s edge, a concrete pier on the left and the three-story Ocean Beach hotel on the right.
“You’re awfully quiet today,” I said, giving her a long, searching look. “Everything okay at home?”
She shrugged, not meeting my eyes. “It’s all right.”
“I don’t believe that’s true,” I said, and she glanced at me.
“How do you—”
“I know you,” I said quickly, stopping her from deflecting. Her shrug was a sure indication something was bothering her more than she let on. “And I care about you. You’re upset. I could tell when I picked you up. Tell me about it. Is it because your dad’s dating?”
“Yes.” Lotus sighed. “It’s just weird. Uncomfortable. Awkward. Honestly, I guess I’m a little jealous that he doesn’t have as much time for me as he used to.”
This was one of the many things about her that I admired. That she could be so candidly honest about her most vulnerable emotions. I wasn’t wired that way. My feelings were emotional land mines, so I buried them deep inside me.
“It’s understandable that you feel that way.”
I stopped in front of one of my favorite houses, a small whitewashed bungalow with a red tile roof. The front lawn was filled with pink bougainvillea, purple oleander, fragrant white plumeria blooms, and lush green palms. The yard appeared to be overgrown, but it was planned overgrowth. One of her dad’s designs.
If only the chaos inside me could be tamed as prettily.
“Have you tried talking to him about it?”
“No.” She dropped her chin to her chest.
“Why not?” Wedging a finger under her chin, I lifted it.
“It’s hard to explain when I don’t really understand it myself.” Her eyes a little glassy, she sank her teeth into her full bottom lip.
“Your dad’s a good guy. You love him,” I said gently, framing her face in my hands. “He loves you. It’s worth making the effort to try to explain.”