Still not into you - Charlotte Byrd Page 0,62

I have to do this final speech in Public Speaking class. It’s going to be in a big auditorium in front of all the sessions of the class. I’m terrified, of course, to say the least.”

“So, you want help with the speech?” he asks, his eyes light up.

“No.” I shake my head. It hadn’t even occurred to me that he would want to help. “I just wanted to invite you to it. I have something important to say and, if I can get it out, I’d like for you to hear it.”

“Oh, wow, okay,” he says. “Let me know the time and place and I’ll try to make it then.”

“Try?” I ask.

“I’ve disappointed you enough this semester. I don’t want to make yet another promise I can’t keep,” he says.

“Okay, fair enough.”

“Wow, look at us,” Hudson says after a moment. “I guess it is possible to be friends even after all that has happened this semester. Hey, here’s a wild idea, want to be roommates again next year?”

I stare at him. It suddenly occurs to me that he doesn’t know about my plans for USC. I thought that he would find out eventually, given the rumor mill that Juliet and Dylan usually operate, but I guess this one fell through the cracks.

“What? What’s wrong?” Hudson asks me.

“Well, I thought that you knew already, but I’m not going to be here next year.”

“What?”

All the color in his face disappears. His lips start to turn an awful blue tint as if he’s been swimming in freezing water for an hour.

“I’m thinking about going to USC,” I say. Why do I always do that? Use qualifiers where they don’t belong. “Well, no, not thinking. I’m going to transfer to USC for next year,” I clarify.

“Why?”

“Because…because of a variety of reasons. I just think it’s for the best.”

“How can you say that? Are you doing this because of what happened between us and you and Dylan? Well, that’s all over. It’s in the past. Let bygones be bygones. You don’t have to go all the way clear across the country because of that.”

Hudson rambles on for close to twenty minutes about all the reasons that I shouldn’t leave New York City. I listen carefully and nod. I’m afraid that if I actually engage in this discussion, I’ll never get to bed tonight. I look at him trying to convince me, fighting for me to stay, and a big portion of me loves it. He’s actually passionate and animated about something and not so reserved and calculated. I can see that he cares about me. I can see it in the way that he’s fighting for me to stay. I appreciate it, really, but it doesn’t change my mind. It’s all too little, too late.

34

“So, why did you invite Hudson to your final speech?” Dr. Greyson asks me at our next and final meeting.

The weather has turned from cold to wet, but remains just as gray. It has been drizzling all day today. It feels like each raindrop that falls from the sky sucks me of a little bit of my energy. Dr. Greyson is wearing bright red heels, which complement her bright red lipstick and stands out nicely against the grayness of her suit. Looking at that splash of color gives me a little bit of a boost.

“I’m not sure,” I say. “I guess I’m looking for a little closure.”

“What is the speech about?” Dr. Greyson asks.

“It’s free form. It can be about anything. So, I decided to write something about him. About us. But I don’t even know if he’ll show up.”

“If he doesn’t?” she asks.

I think about that for a moment.

“You know what?” I say. “It’ll be okay. If he doesn’t show up, that’s fine. This speech isn’t really for him. It’s sort of for me.”

Dr. Greyson’s face explodes in a wide smile.

“I’m very proud of you, Alice. You’ve come a long way.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Well, I don’t make it a habit to comment like this,” she says, “but since this is our last meeting and you’ve made plans to go elsewhere next year, I might as well go ahead and tell you.”

I take a deep breath and brace myself. Dr. Greyson is not one to offer up compliments easily. In fact, everything with her is all about being a work in progress, but I guess that’s what life is, isn’t it? A work in progress? You’re never done growing or changing and there’s always room for improvement until that