Still not into you - Charlotte Byrd Page 0,21

and leave, but I don’t.

In a moment, the place gets so crowded, I can barely see over all the people who are congregating around the bar.

“Where are you going?” Juliet asks as I grab my purse and phone.

“Home.”

“No, you can’t go home! We didn’t see anything yet.”

“Juliet, I can’t do this anymore. He’s going to do what he’s going to do. I don’t have to torture myself and watch.”

Her eyes search my face for answers, but I don’t have a better answer than that. It’s not that I don’t want to know. I just can’t be in this place any longer. The walls feel like they’re closing in on me. I fear that if I stay, I’m going to scream.

I make my way around the perimeter of the place. I’m not trying to avoid Hudson anymore—in fact, I don’t care if he sees me, but the bar is so crowded, I couldn’t even make my way over there if I tried.

“Alice,” Juliet whispers somewhere behind me. “Alice!”

When I turn around, I see that Juliet is staring at something to her right. My eyes follow her gaze. Then I see them.

Hudson and the woman are laughing and they’re so close to each other, their faces are almost touching. A moment later, she leans over and kisses him on the lips.

Everything suddenly feels like it’s happening in third person. Not to me, but to someone who looks a lot like me on the screen. I’m suddenly outside without my coat. The chill of January hits me like a pile of bricks. I look around. I have to find a cab. I have to text Uber. My mind wanders in circles. I can’t make a decision. All I’m decided about is that I can’t go back in for my coat.

“Alice! Alice, wait up!” Juliet runs out after me. She hands me my coat.

“He pulled away from her. He stopped her,” she says.

“What?” I ask, wrapping the scarf around my neck. I don’t understand a word of what she’s saying.

“She kissed him and he stopped her. He pulled right away. You just didn’t see it,” she says.

I pull my coat shut—the zipper is too complicated to operate at this moment.

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” I ask.

Juliet shrugs. “Well, yes, actually,” she says.

I guess. I guess that’s something. Except that it doesn’t really feel like a victory. I feel like I lost a long time ago. It feels like it’s all a little too late.

Juliet and I take a cab home in silence. She tries to talk to me, but I cut her off. I can’t. Talking just makes my thoughts cloudier and incomprehensible. Finally, we walk into our room. I climb into bed and hide under the covers. I just want the whole world to disappear. I’m still awake when I hear Hudson come back. I look at the time. It’s about half an hour later. I want to talk to him, but I don’t have the energy. When he peeks into my room, I pretend to be asleep.

14

The following day, I have another speech in Public Speaking class. I was planning on getting up early and practicing it before class, but I end up sleeping until lunch. I want to stay in bed all day, but I can’t skip it; it’s a huge portion of my grade. When my hands start to shake looking down at the paper with my script, I go to the kitchen and force myself to down two beers. They taste disgusting first thing in the morning. This worked last time. It has to work this time.

Walking over to class, I hope that I don’t run into Hudson. He has class in this area and I just can’t see him now. Not before I get this speech over with. When Professor Milner asks for volunteers, I raise my hand.

Walking to the front of the class, I feel like I’m going to throw up. Not because of my nerves, but the alcohol. I take a deep breath. You can do this, I say to myself. Thirty sets of bored eyes look up at the podium. They don’t care what you have to say. Don’t think. Just start talking. I unfold my speech. This speech is about gratefulness. We’re supposed to thank someone for helping us do something important.

“Thank you for having me,” I start. “I want to take a moment to thank my mother and father for…”

I stare at the paper. The words are there in black