I reached across the table, laying my hand over Maxim’s. He didn’t flinch under the touch, just simply held my gaze. “You may be pissed at Jansen, accusing him of using me to make you angry, but you were prepared to do the same thing. We’ve been friends for two years, and you never once said anything. Tell me I’m wrong.”
He cleared his throat and shook his head. “You’re not,” he said. “But I still think we would’ve had fun together.”
I choked out a dark laugh, squeezing his hand. “Maybe,” I said. “But I wasn’t looking for fun. I was looking for something real.”
Maxim grazed his thumb over the back of my hand, an innocent gesture. “I understand,” he said. Then he flashed me a pitiful look. “And I may not know my brother like you do, but I know his hate. Understand it in a way you never will. And his hate? It’s strong enough to make him fake it with you.”
I thought my heart couldn’t shatter any more, but it did.
Completely.
I sucked in a sharp breath, releasing Maxim’s hand. I pushed back from the table, nodding to my brother who looked like he wanted to follow me, but knew better than to do so. And there wasn’t any maliciousness in Maxim’s words—he wanted to help me be smart, to realize the truth behind what Jansen had done—but it still stung like hell.
Savannah met me by the door, a silent show of support as we headed to her car. She drove me back to my apartment and stayed with me the whole night. Distracting me with movies and junk food and drinks until I’d finally been able to ignore what haunted me.
The fact that I’d let Jansen all the way into my life, my heart, my soul, out of a place of pure love and desire.
But him?
He’d come to me out of a place of hatred.
And I didn’t have a clue how to recover from that.
17
Sterling
The air had the distinct chill of winter as Mom and I walked through Reaper Village the day after Christmas. One winter in Maine had taught me to never take the milder southern weather for granted ever again.
“Maybe I should’ve gotten you a puppy,” she said, her brow furrowed as she shoved her hands into the pockets of her jacket.
“What?” I nearly laughed but didn’t. I wasn’t even sure I could laugh anymore. The world had taken on a dreary, gray overcast sky for the last two weeks. London hadn’t just taken her body from my bed or her heart from my hands—she’d packed up all the joy in life and walked away without a second look.
“You need something to come home to.” Mom looped her arm through my elbow. “Your house is beautiful, Jansen.” She glanced around us, taking in the quiet suburban neighborhood where the majority of my team lived. “All the houses here are beautiful. But there’s no life inside yours.”
“I’m gone too much to have a puppy,” I said, not even touching the rest of that statement. She knew what had happened between London and me.
“Fine. A Bearded Dragon, maybe?” She hip-checked me and smiled. “Or even a goldfish?”
A smile broke across my face.
“Ah, there it is.” She gave my arm a squeeze. “I’ve been waiting all week to see that smile. I was running out of ideas to get one out of you, but don’t worry, I’ll still make lasagna tonight. That was my last resort.”
“Food?” We crossed the street, and I switched sides with Mom so she didn’t walk next to the street. She was in her forties, and more beautiful than ever. I had Greg—my stepfather—to thank for that. Happiness looked good on her.
“It always comes down to food with you, Jansen Sterling.” She gave me a pointed look.
My smile slipped. “I’m not sure I can carb-load myself out of this one, Mom.”
She tugged on my elbow, stopping us in front of a house I knew all too well. “I’ve never known you to give up on something you wanted. Grades. Hockey. That Xbox you saved all summer for your sophomore year—you’ve never walked away from a little hard work.”
“Those were all attainable goals.” A muscle in my jaw popped as I struggled to breathe through the agony of losing London. It came in waves, some bigger than others, but the pain was always there, waiting to swallow me whole, especially at night. Fuck, I missed her at night, and not