“Me, too.” I slam my door shut.
It pops open. Hattie looks at me with a startled hope until she realizes it was an accident. We scowl at each other as I slam it back shut. I push against it, hard, until I feel the click beneath my palms.
The party carries on all night. Josh never texts. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I startle awake around eight in the morning. There’s a swollen hush over the dormitory. Everyone is finally in bed. I was dreaming about the need to catch a train, but I couldn’t stop putting on make-up. I was helpless as I applied layer after sluggish layer, watching the clock tick closer and closer and closer to my departure time.
Two knocks, low on my door.
I jolt into a sitting position. That’s what woke me up. That’s his second knock. The sound is heavy and foreboding. I lurch out of bed, but I’m terrified to open the door. I press my ear against the wood.
“Josh?” I whisper.
There’s no reply.
I’m gripped by a new fear. He’s already gone. I’m hearing sounds that never existed. I tear open the door, but he’s there – of course he’s there – and he looks devastated. He falls towards the floor. I rush forward, and he collapses into my arms with a cry that’s primal. Screw the rules. Screw this school. I shut the door and lead him to my bed. I cradle his body as he slams and slams his fist against his own leg.
“It’s okay.” I have to be strong. One of us always has to be strong. “Everything will be okay.” I grab his fist and hold it between my hands. I kiss the crown of his head.
“It’s not okay.”
“You had the meeting?”
“I’m gone. She finally kicked me out.”
My bedroom spins. “And…when do you have to be gone by?”
“This is my last day. Today.”
The world goes black. There’s a loud buzzing in my ears. My eyes focus, refocus, refocus like an automatic camera that can’t get it right.
“One of the custodians took my mom to get shipping boxes. And then she’s coming back, and we’re gonna pack up all of my stuff.”
Refocus. Refocus. Refocus.
Josh pulls out his hand from mine to claw at me with all ten fingers. “But we’ll see each other soon. Thanksgiving. You’re still coming home for Thanksgiving, right?”
I nod robotically.
“And then there’s winter break. We’ll spend every day together, and on New Year’s Eve, we’ll meet at Kismet for a kiss. At midnight. Okay? And then we’ll have spring break, and then it’ll be summer again. It’ll be over.”
I swallow. “What will you do? Where will you finish high school?”
“My mom doesn’t want to talk about it until the election is over. They’re pissed. My parents are so pissed. I had to talk to my dad last night, and then my mom took away my phone. That’s why I couldn’t call or text you. I’m eighteen, and my parents took away my phone.”
“It’s okay. It’s okay.” I can’t stop saying it. “We’ll be okay.”
There’s another knock, and Nate starts talking without preamble. “Josh, I let your mom into your room so that you and Isla could have a few minutes alone. But you need to go up there now.”
Even Nate feels sorry for us.
My lie was more severe than I realized. Nothing – absolutely nothing – is okay.
Chapter twenty
The head of school sits behind a desk as intimidating as it is large. Its mahogany is polished, and it carries the scent of musk and wealth. Two flags on indoor poles rest on each side – one American, one French. An overstuffed leather chair sits behind the desk, and two diminutive leather chairs sit before it. I am in one of the diminutive chairs.
“Your grades are slipping,” the head says.
I stare at her.