I twist to peer out my window, so she doesn’t see the wince that comes unbidden to my face. That was a direct slam against me.
It is a clear thought I often have. Without repentance, I put hockey above my family, especially above her mother. Lucy might be thirteen, but she’s not stupid, nor is she oblivious to how her parents’ marriage disintegrated. While I know Ella would never share details or complaints with Lucy, it would not be difficult for my daughter to discern I often made her mom sad.
That fucking hurts, and I rub at the throb of pain behind my breastbone.
Turning to face Lucy, I put on my fun-dad face. “All right… tell me what you want to do, and I’m on it.”
“Can we just go to your house and hang for the day?” she asks dully.
In other words—I don’t want to do anything with you, Dad. I want to go to my bedroom, shut the door, and listen to music or read a book. I’d bet a million dollars that’s exactly how today will play out if I agree to it.
I make a last stab at a connection. “Come on, kid… tell me what’s eating you.”
She whirls on me, eyes accusing. “If you’d been around more, you’d know.”
It does me no good to offer her a different perspective. That many people in the world have jobs that require them to travel. I’m not the only dad in the world like this. And we find ways to make it work. While I might be gone a lot, it doesn’t mean I love her any less and when it matters, I’m there.
Except… that hasn’t always been true.
Four years ago, Lucy had a piano recital. She was so excited about it because it fell during a period we had three back-to-back home games, and I could attend. Lucy had been teetering back and forth about whether she wanted to stick with it. While Ella and I started her on lessons when she was six, we knew she was getting old enough to make her own choice if she wanted to continue. We felt it was important that she have a passion for it.
Of course, I promised I’d be there.
Except at the last moment, I realized I had forgotten to switch a meeting I had with my agent and the Royals’ general manager to discuss a contract extension. I had known the meeting was set and had every intention of getting it moved, but, like always, with me putting in extra practices and workouts and hanging out with some of my teammates, I pretty much forgot all about it.
Ella was in charge of our schedule and when she reminded me about the recital, which conflicted directly with my contract meeting, we ended up getting in one of our worst fights ever.
Ella demanded I cancel the meeting.
I’d told her it was impossible as it was our livelihood we were talking about.
“You’re going to let down Lucy in a way she won’t forgive,” Ella stated.
I refused to believe that. “She’ll have other recitals, and besides that, my role in taking care of this family is just as important as attending a recital. This deal could help seal our future.”
Ella’s eyes went frosty, and her sarcastic voice chilled me to the bone. “I’m sure your nine-year-old daughter will understand the intricacies of balancing good parenting with business opportunities.”
“I’ll buy her a big bouquet of flowers,” I replied, brushing off her comment even though I knew deep in my gut it was true. I hadn’t wanted to acknowledge it, though. “I’ll take her out for something special later.”
“You’re an asshole,” Ella murmured so softly it packed an even bigger punch.
She turned and stalked away from me.
That day, I got more than I had anticipated in negotiations. It was one of the best deals the Royals had ever given a player. Ella sent me a text with a video of Lucy’s performance, and it was beautiful. I made sure to show it to my buddies—my closest teammates—who I went out with for a celebratory beer after I signed the documents.
When I got home, Lucy and her mom were cuddled on the couch, watching a movie. I sat beside Lucy, tugged on her hair playfully, and asked if she wanted to go out to a special daddy-daughter dinner to celebrate her recital. I made sure to tell her how much I loved the piece she played.