He shook his head. “I know it feels different to you, but it’s not. And that voice, that capacity for carrying shame and guilt, came from me. I can shut that voice up most of the time because I replaced it with your mother’s voice, with Dev’s and your siblings. With yours.”
“You barely know me.”
“But you know all of me. Summer, you saw my soul. You saw it because it’s a part of you. When I was with your mother that night, you think all I wanted was a copy of her, proof that she’d loved me once? But that wasn’t what was in my heart that night. I wanted my soul to live on in you. I wanted all the good and clean parts of me to have another chance to get it right this time. I had been through so much, done so much. I didn’t think I was deserving of any kind of love.”
I proved that I could cry in this odd place between worlds. “Dad, that wasn’t true. You’re right, I did see your soul.”
His hand squeezed mine. “Then you saw yours, too. I started changing that night because of you. I thought for a long time it was because of the words you said to me that night. Because you told me I was worthy, that when my soul was put in that box you were what came out. I thought it was the words that changed me. I didn’t realize until later that it wasn’t the words at all. It was you. It was knowing you were out there in the world, this piece of me, the best piece of me. That was what changed me, made me better. Summer, all that is good in me is in you. But all my worry and guilt and fear are in there, too. It came with the soul. So I’m going to tell you what I see in you. I see me. I see your mother. I see you, my darling daughter, and you are light and love. You were born with so much love that I truly believe you can power worlds with it. There is nothing evil or cruel about you. I do not fear you. I’m happy that my last moments will be spent with you. But, Summer, if you will believe in yourself, if you have faith and take the power that was entrusted to you and you alone, none of us has to die today. None of us.”
Marcus. Marcus had turned to ash in front of me and my soul had hollowed out.
But my first thought had been I hadn’t deserved him.
Did my father deserve to die when he should have hundreds of years with my mother? Was the universe some cruel place where a balance sheet was kept, and hope and love and joy were chipped away in miserly rations?
“I await your decision.” Dad took my hand, and unlike what had happened when he’d tried to touch my mother, his palm was solid and warm in mine. “This is your choice. I can’t make it for you. But know that at one point I hated myself so much I was going to walk into the light. The only thing that held me back was my love for your mother. If you want to, you can give up this burden. You are the Day Queen. You were born to power the outer planes, and in exchange for your duties, you were given a mate, a male who will love you and who you will one day choose to fade for. But you won’t be able to leave the Summerlands. You’ll have to have faith that your magic is good, that you are the right one to use it.”
If my father had walked into the light, I wouldn’t have come to be. The Vampire Council would now rule the Earth plane. The companions wouldn’t have been freed. I didn’t know this. And yet I did. I could see my father’s history in my head, exactly like I had as a child.
I could feel the love he’d put into me, the love, the hope, the prayer that my love could light his world and force out the dark.
My head cleared for the first time in years and I could see.
There was a shadow near me, and I suddenly realized it had been with me all along. It was Erna’s form, whispering in my ear. How long had she done it?