Stay Gold - Tobly McSmith Page 0,93
bring my phone?” I ask.
“Oh shoot, sorry, it slipped my mind.”
“Mom, I need my phone,” I say, frustrated. I feel cut off from the world.
Dad steps forward. “Your mom was up all night worried about you. Don’t you dare talk to her like that.”
“Norman, it’s all right,” Mom says, then sits down in the chair by my bed. “Honey, I told you last night, but I’m going to say again—I love you. More than the moon and the stars. And your dad does, too.”
She shoots a look, inviting him to chime in, but he doesn’t.
“Dad is upset,” she adds. “And scared for you.”
He grunts. “Those little a-holes better be glad they’re in jail.”
“They’re in jail?” I ask.
“Yes, sweetie,” Mom says, smoothing my hair. “They did a bad thing.”
I don’t know why I’m surprised. Of course Mac and Ryan are in jail. And it’s my fault. A wave of guilt washes over me, trying to pull me deeper into the darkness.
Dad walks over, finally looking at me. “So, are you going back?” he asks.
I’m not going back to Hillcrest. I can’t face everyone after last night.
“No, I can just get my GED or something.”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” he says, frustrated. “Back to being a girl.”
Any part of me that wasn’t broken is now. Mom is saying something to him, but I can’t hear. I shut my eyes and try to disappear, secretly wishing those guys had finished me off.
But they didn’t.
I open my eyes and do what I should have done a long time ago. I fight back.
“I. AM. NOT. A. GIRL.”
My dad’s eyes light up, happy to have somewhere to put his anger. “Look at you. People don’t accept this. Keep this going and you’ll end up back here again. Or worse.”
“I’m a man,” I say.
He laughs, making me sick.
A fire in my belly ignites.
I lived.
I didn’t die.
All my life, I have been too scared to fight back at the dinner table, or car, or wherever Dad decided to belittle and dismiss me. He made me feel wrong. He never accepted me. Maybe that’s why I tried to hide who I am.
My dad is a bully. Just like Mac and Ryan. It’s so obvious, but I couldn’t see it until now. It’s time to stand up to the first bully in my life. It’s time to say what needs to be said. It starts right here.
“Dad, I was born in the wrong body. I’m not a girl. I have never been a girl. And I will never be a girl. You don’t have to accept that, but I also don’t have to accept you as my dad.”
The room—maybe the entire hospital—goes quiet and cold.
Nurse Becky peeks her head in the room. “Pony, you have a couple visitors. Can they come in?”
Mom hops up. “Yes! Pony should see his friends. We need to run errands anyway.” She gives me a kiss on the forehead. “We’ll be back. You will be out of here soon. Love you, my brave angel.”
Dad doesn’t look my way as he stomps out. I’m rattled and want to nap. Nurse Becky picks up on the tension and pinches my foot, showing kindness. “You ready to see your friends? They said their names are Harry and Dick?”
It’s obviously Kenji and Jerry. My best friends at Hillcrest found out my secret with everyone else last night. I should have told them before, but I didn’t want our bromance to end. Too late now.
“Send them in,” I say, even though I’m not ready. I tense up. Maybe they want to kick my ass, too? Nurse Becky leaves and Jerry and Kenji walk in, cautiously. They don’t move far from the doorway, both looking at the floor. They’re scared.
“Hi,” I say.
Kenji looks up. “Hey, man,” he says.
No reason to beat around the bush. “Guys, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I’m transgender. I understand if you don’t want to be friends.”
“Pecker,” Jerry says, and then heads over to the chair. “We don’t give a shit about that.”
Kenji makes his way to the food tray. He’ll eat anything. “Those asshats are lucky we didn’t catch them.”
“You went looking for them?” I ask, touched.
Kenji takes a bite of muffin. “Hell yes we did, but they split. We would have ended them.”
I’m flattered. Tears try to form, but I push them down. “You guys aren’t mad that I didn’t tell you I was trans?” I ask.
“We kind of had a feeling,” Kenji admits.
“Why didn’t you ask me about it?”
Kenji starts peeling an