We went up the pipeline past the fruit tree buckets way up into the woods at the top of the ridge, and Rudy sat with his back against a tree and he drank from his can and he made me practice my moves. Then he licked the droplets out of his beard and said, This sissy stuff where you lie down and get up really quick and do push-ups, that’s not going to get you anywhere. So he taught me the uppercut the sucker punch the right jab left jab the duck and protect your balls. It’s an ancient martial art, he said. Trust me, it’ll come in useful. Just don’t pull hair or slap like some kind of pussy queer sorry but you know what I mean. He opened another can.
My women don’t drink that stuff, I said. There’s a lot you don’t know, he said, about your women. That’s probably true, I said, but they don’t drink that stuff. You’re pretty fucking smart, he said, so I asked him if I could use the chain saw. Sure, he said, why not? You are a totally problematic parent, I said, I’m way too young to use the chain saw, I can’t even lift it. Weakling, he said. But then he gave me the smallest one that he called the Echo and then he excelled at helping me start it and then I excelled at cutting a rotten branch in half and then Rudy excelled at saying, With a chain saw it’s not about strength, it’s about focus.
Focus, I said. My teacher told me I have to focus and the principal told me that I have to focus. But I can’t focus, I can’t do my Specials, I’m just staring out the window like, Wolfriders, come take me away. Tell me about it, said Rudy. You have to remember to resist them at all costs. I said, That sounds like Mama K. She’s not stupid, your Mama K, said Rudy. But resist who? I asked. Who is Them? The teachers the jail guards whoever, said Rudy. But I told Rudy that I liked my teacher. I liked the principal. I wished I could make them happy.
Rudy said, You’ve got to have your tricks or they’ll get you.
Like lying? I asked, and Rudy said, Call it what you want. You’ve got to have a way out. Take for instance when I was in jail. With the Mean Aunt, I said, and Rudy said, No. A different time, a long time ago before you were born. I was honest, he said, I told them how I really felt and then they tried to make me take pills.
Like vitamins? I asked, but Rudy said, Worse than that. Pills that make you easier to deal with. But I outsmarted them, he said, and I said, How did you outsmart them? and he said, I held the pills in my cheeks. You mean like a squirrel, I said. That’s right, he said. I held the pills in my cheeks like a squirrel with his acorns and then when it was safe I flushed them down the toilet. But what if the pills could have helped you? I asked. I am beyond help, said Rudy, and he opened another can, and he said, You’ve got to remember the tricks, you know.
Like a sucker punch? I asked, and Rudy said, No, something wily something original.
I don’t know any tricks like that, I said. Shit, said Rudy, and then he gave me the jewels from around his neck I mean this totally sweet mime face that was smiling and frowning which is how I felt every day. What is this? Is this a trick? I asked. Yes, said Rudy. This is a trick, it’s your bling, it will protect you, said Rudy. How will it protect me? I asked, and Rudy said, It will blow your enemy’s mind, is how. And while they are confounded, you can plan your next attack.
* * *
Rudy dropped me off at school the next day with the radio going so loud, the song about the umbrella and we were standing under it ella ella and the other kids looked at me in that toxic loud car, I was covered in jewels with the best music pumping and the chain saws in the back and I thought I saw them bow down.
Sauntering is what you do when you know how bad they all want to be you, so at recess I