St Matthew's Passion - By Sam Archer Page 0,29

this stage with a man so suddenly, though she had to admit it wasn’t as if she’d just met Fin. And she suspected that Fin wasn’t the kind of man who took a casual approach to anything, whether it was his work or his relations with women.

When they’d collected the spilled papers and returned some semblance of order to his desk, Melissa stood a few feet away from Fin, facing him, her hands clasped demurely in front of her.

‘So,’ she said. ‘What happens now?’

He gazed at her, the hint of a dimple at the side of his mouth again. There was silence for three seconds. Four.

A couple of seconds too long, she thought.

Fin ran a hand through his hair, glanced away.

‘Melissa,’ he said.

She felt a cold stab. Oh no. No, it’s not going to be like this.

He looked at her again, as if he realised it would be cowardly to avoid eye contact. ‘Melissa, we can’t.’

Her legs weakened. She was grateful that the edge of the desk was nearby so she could steady herself against it without appearing to stumble.

‘Why –’ Her mouth was parched. She swallowed, tried again. ‘Why not?’

‘It just… can’t be.’ His voice was slow, careful, as though he was having difficulty keeping it steady.

‘Don’t you want to?’ she whispered.

‘Yes. Of course I want to.’ There was no hesitation there, no faltering. She noticed that.

‘Then why? Is there someone else?’

‘No.’ Again he passed a hand through his hair. ‘Not really.’

‘Not really.’ Anger was strengthening her voice. ‘That means yes, there is.’

‘Melissa, I’m sorry.’

‘Is she the one you were buying jewellery for? The other day, in John Lewis?’

He stared at her. Despite her hurt, her anger, her disbelief at what seemed to be happening, Melissa couldn’t help a rush of desire as she studied his face.

‘You were there?’

‘Yes. I was going to come up and say hello.’ Suddenly she wondered if he thought – ‘I wasn’t following you, if that’s what you think.’

Fin shook his head. His features, so strong, so fascinating, were twisted in agony. ‘I was buying the necklace for you.’

It was Melissa’s turn to stare.

‘Believe it or not,’ he went on. ‘I was going to give it to you some time before Christmas.’

Thoughts tumbled through Melissa’s head, leaving her utterly disorientated. ‘Then why didn’t you?’ she managed.

‘Because…’ He was either groping for the right words, or trying to find the actual reason. ‘Because I came to my senses. I realised it would be a mistake. To give you jewellery, to continue leading you on. That’s why I didn’t come to the party tonight. I didn’t want to give you a false impression any longer.’

‘False impression? What was that all about just now? On the desk? Just a roll in the hay for you?’

‘No.’ Again, his answer was quick, certain. ‘It meant far more to me than that. That’s the problem. It’s the first step down a path we can’t take.’

‘But why can’t we? If it’s what you want...’ Her voice was taking on an edge of hysteria, she knew, and she fought to bring it under control. But the tears were behind her eyes and in her throat.

For the first time since the start of the conversation Fin dropped his eyes. ‘I - can’t explain.’

‘You owe me an explanation.’

‘I know. But I can’t.’ He lifted his gaze once more, and in his eyes she saw despair, and torment. ‘And it makes me a weak man. A despicable one.’

Melissa closed her own eyes, drew a deep breath, held it. When she was feeling a degree more centred, she said, quietly: ‘Are you sure about this? Sure you won’t have a change of heart in five minutes, or a day, or a week? Because I can’t cope with this uncertainty, Fin. I really can’t. It’s tearing me apart.’

He stepped forward, reaching a hand out but too far away to touch her. In his face she saw anguish of a kind she’d only ever seen before in the bereaved relatives of patients she’d lost.

‘Melissa, I’m so, so sorry. But it can’t go any further. We have to stop it here.’

She kept her features impassive, she thought; but a slow, warm tear betrayed her, sliding down her cheek. Angrily, she brushed it away.

‘See you tomorrow.’

He took several more steps forward. ‘Melissa -’

She headed for the door. Over her shoulder she said, ‘There’s an afternoon theatre list. I’ll make sure the patients are prepped in time.’

‘Melissa!’

If she’d slowed, he might have reached her, but that would have prolonged the encounter