St Matthew's Passion - By Sam Archer Page 0,11

I think I’m doing a good job, and I’m getting good feedback from everyone else. Plus he’s never actually criticised me. I just get the feeling sometimes… it’s as if I’m falling short of his expectations in some way. You must have seen lots of other registrars come and go before me. Is he like this with everyone?’

It had all come out in a rush and Melissa closed her mouth to shut off the flow. She stared at Deborah, unable to read the expression on her face. Then the nurse gave a faint smile.

‘Perhaps you should ask Fin yourself.’

‘I’ve thought of that… but it’s difficult to know what he really thinks. He says my work’s fine, so I can’t really very well keep pestering him and asking him if there’s something he’s not revealing, can I? It’ll irritate him and make me look flaky.’ She shook her head. ‘There’s this wall of reserve about him that I just can’t get through. It’s maddening, and so unexpected. His looks, his charm, they make him seem so open.’

Melissa had decided to approach Deborah because as she’d mentioned, the nurse had known Fin longer than most in the hospital and might be best placed to judge his thoughts and feelings about his staff. But Melissa had also come to her because, frankly, she didn’t know who else to turn to. Emma, her counterpart in Professor Penney’s team, had become a close friend over the last few weeks, but she didn’t work directly with Fin and was unlikely to have any insights into his psyche.

She noticed Deborah watching her in silence. The small smile had slipped a little. Just as the atmosphere began to feel uncomfortable Deborah said, ‘You said you wanted my advice, Ms Havers. I’ll give it to you, though it won’t be the advice you were expecting, still less hoping for.’

Melissa frowned, confused.

‘My advice,’ Deborah went on, ‘is that you be very careful what you’re getting into here. It’s not going to work, and it’ll end in trouble for everyone. You, mostly, but also for Mr Finmore-Gage and the rest of us.’

Melissa wondered if she was hearing right. Had she dozed off, or slipped into some sort of fugue state? She opened her mouth to speak but Deborah leaned forward in her chair and held up a finger.

‘Hear me out. You’re a bright, hard-working doctor. One of the best ones I’ve worked with, that’s for sure. And you know how good you are. You’re not boastful or arrogant in the least, but still, somebody with your ability always knows she’s competent. You don’t need external validation to feel good about yourself. That’s for insecure people.’ She sat back, drew breath. ‘Which makes it all the more odd that you’re so concerned what your boss thinks about you. Which makes me wonder if you haven’t got some other agenda.’

Melissa found her voice, with difficulty. ‘What – what do you mean?’

‘Come on. We both know.’ Deborah’s eyes were a dark blue, and they flashed. ‘You’re a beautiful young woman. Fin’s a good-looking man. You’ve got feelings for him, and you want him to reciprocate.’

‘I don’t know –’

‘So you’re fishing around to find out if he’s said anything to me suggesting that he likes you, that he wants to get together with you. And you’re doing it under the guise of seeking confirmation that he’s happy with your work performance. Well, you can just drop it.’

Melissa was on her feet, the blood pounding hotly in her face. ‘How dare you?’

Deborah rose too. ‘Admit it. To yourself, if not to me.’

Not normally given to public displays of anger, Melissa couldn’t help herself. She jabbed her forefinger at Deborah. ‘You have no idea what you’re talking about. You know nothing about me, or my wishes, or my motivations. Nothing at all. You’re probably –’

Melissa broke off, partly because her voice was rising and in a moment somebody was going to come and investigate, and partly because she’d been struck by a sudden thought, an insight about Deborah that almost floored her. She took a step back, lowered her hand, began to bring her breathing under control. Across from her, the other woman’s emotions were being held in check, though her eyes still burned.

‘I shouldn’t have come to you,’ Melissa muttered. ‘I won’t do it again.’

She managed not to slam the door on the way out. On shaking legs she stalked the corridors, unable to sit or stand still. She didn’t quite snap at the porter who