the chance to cover it up.” I press the flat of my palm to my chest and rub it around, as if it might be able to rub away the hurt. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You’ve known what I’ve been living with.”
“Dad wouldn’t let me to talk to you about it. He didn’t want you knowing I’d—” She looks away and shakes her head. “And I was scared. It was awful. You’re lucky you can’t remember.”
“I’m sorry,” I whisper. Because I see it on her face now—the evidence of torment I should have recognized months ago. The torment of living with a horrible secret that’s eating you from the inside.
“I remember it all. The sick thunking sound. The screeching tires. The silence in those seconds after.”
“I’m so sorry,” I say, because I can’t apologize to Brogan’s parents. To Mia. To the people who really deserve to hear my apology. “I can’t figure out why I would have thought I was okay to drive. I’m not that guy.”
“I’m not looking for your apology, Arrow. Stop apologizing.” She draws in a breath and straightens her shoulders. “I just wanted you to know that I know.”
“Okay.”
Mia opens the door and steps into the room with Katie in her arms. She spots me and Trish and does a double take. “Oh. Sorry, I was just looking for a quiet place to . . . I’ll get out of here.” She rushes out of the room and down the hall.
“Fuck,” I mutter.
Trish raises a brow. “Are you two . . .?”
“No. Nothing like that.”
“I want to hate her,” she says, staring down the hall where Mia disappeared. “Hate is so much more comfortable than the guilt. But I can’t help it. I try to hate her and can only hate myself for what I did.”
“What do you mean?”
She shrugs. “It’s not like I thought he’d broken up with her. I just thought it was only a matter of time. I think I always loved Brogan, but she had him under some spell. I couldn’t compete, so I played dirty.”
“Forgive yourself, Trish. Carrying around this regret isn’t going to help anyone. Try to forgive yourself.”
She releases a puff of air that’s probably supposed to be laughter, and her lips twist into something that’s probably supposed to be a smile. It’s all so much uglier than the girl she was before the accident. The girl who lost the guy she loved.
“Have you forgiven yourself for that night?” she asks me.
“Of course not.”
“Then you understand why I can’t forgive myself either.”
Mia
He’s free to be with whomever he wants, I tell myself. But it doesn’t feel that way. Finding Trish in the study with Arrow—behind a closed door—felt like as much of a betrayal as the night I walked in on Trish and Brogan.
That’s not fair. He’s not mine. But tell that to my waking heart.
I go to the nursery to give Katie her bottle and rock her to sleep, and after she drifts off in my arms, I settle her into the crib.
When I got back from Indianapolis this afternoon, everyone was at the house. Again. It seems like they spend more time here than they do at their own homes. And I know for a fact that Mason and Chris just got a new apartment off-campus, and I thought they’d want to spend some time there.
But no. Arrow has the pool. Arrow has the cool theater room in the basement with the state-of-the-art sound system. He has the rec room and the air-hockey table and the always-stocked fridge.
So they’re here. And I’m actually starting to like it.
At first it was torture, a reminder of the life I used to have. The life Brogan used to have. It was a reminder of normal when it felt like normal was an insult to the man I loved. But now it’s the new normal, and I’m starting to feel like maybe it’s okay. We don’t know how much longer Brogan has, and I’m starting to feel like that’s okay, too.
I say a prayer every night that he’ll wake up and be himself again so they can start dialysis before it’s too late.
The first time Sebastian comes in from the pool, I wave him into the kitchen. He doesn’t quite fit in with this group yet. He’s more like me than like them. But they’re trying to include him. He’ll be an important part of the team next year, and for BHU to have another chance at a bowl