justify their rule over their kingdoms. The heretical gods would need to remain hidden and wage their war against the Disjunction in secret.”
She closed her eyes. “I can’t say if any of this is true or not; nor can I say if Boann is a party to this Alliance.” She paused. “Though her sending me here to rescue you makes it seem probable.”
“But you’re her avatar; shouldn’t you know her intentions?”
Deirdre produced a quavering sigh. “I am indeed Boann’s avatar. Her only one. But…a year ago, I lost her love.”
Nicodemus hugged his knees to his chest and said nothing.
She took a long breath. “The savage Lornish Kingdom occupies my native Highlands. But there are many among us who fight to restore our home-lands to the civil forests of Dral. Nearly forty years ago, I became Boann’s avatar in this struggle.”
She was breathing faster now, her cheeks flushing. “I was married when she called. I had two sons I loved dearly. But when the goddess commanded me to go, I left without hesitation. Years later, my husband died with nothing but hatred for me. But you must understand how perfect Boann’s love is.”
The woman’s face had grown tense. Her eyes shone with a light that Nicodemus had once mistaken for simple excitement.
She took the greatsword from her back and set it on the ground. “From time to time, Dralish druids sneak into the Highlands to fight for our inde-pendence. Kyran came to me two years ago. His nephew was a famous Highland brigand who ceaselessly attacked the Lornish. The Highlanders called him the White Fox. The Lowlanders had worse names for him and marked his wife and sons for death. So Kyran came across the border to smuggle his nephew’s family into Dral. My goddess, hating Lornish rule, was more than happy to help.”
Deirdre looked at the steps again. “But the Paladin of Garwyn attacked during our crossing into Dral. I managed to save Kyran and his nephew, but not the rest of the family. The paladin slaughtered them.”
She shook her head. “I took Kyran and the Fox back to one of my clan’s secret holdings. I managed to sneak the brigand back into Dral, but Kyran was too badly wounded. He stayed with us for a year. Boann knew but…” She swallowed. “Boann had forbidden me to take a lover, and…”
Nicodemus made a soft sound.
“She discovered my infidelity. Some part of me must have known she would. She withdrew much of her soul from me. For an agonizing season,I was mortal again. And though Kyran and I ceased to be lovers, Boann stayed away. He and I dedicated ourselves to winning her forgiveness.”
Nicodemus touched her knee. “But he didn’t love Boann; he loved you.”
She laughed humorlessly. “Was it so obvious? Yes, he dedicated himself to helping me recover Boann’s affection even though it meant helping me forget my love for him. It was a selfless, stupid thing to do. In a way, I was unfaithful to him as well. I tried to explain that the love he and I shared was flawed, human.”
The avatar wiped her eyes with a sleeve. “How we used to argue. Tortured circles, around and around. He claimed that he—unlike Boann—would never punish me or withhold his love. The poor fool. Likely, he was right. It was frightening how wildly he loved me. But…he couldn’t understand that perfect love does exist.”
Nicodemus withdrew his hand as he remembered Kyran’s death. The man’s eyes had burned with agony. Nicodemus had thought the pain was born of the stomach wound. Now he saw what had truly tortured the druid. “Don’t be like me, boy,” Kyran had growled. “Be anything; be wild, be saintly, be wicked. Love all or love none, but don’t be like me.”
Deirdre was still talking. “After Kyran and I prayed and fasted, Boann called me back to her ark and invested nearly all of her soul into me. But it has never again been like it once was. Now she no longer trusts me. Now when our wills diverge she…sends me into seizures and takes control of my body.”
The woman wiped her eyes again. “I should be grateful. Back in Starhaven, Fellwroth’s golem trapped me. The monster would have killed me if Boann hadn’t controlled my body through a seizure. And I am grateful…but sometimes I don’t know who I am. Sometimes I feel as if my heart is not my own, as if I am only a vessel for the desires of others.”