Sparks - Wendy Higgins Page 0,53
anymore, and I know she doesn’t either. Neither of our needs are being met.”
With their possible breakup looming, I felt more than ever that I was getting caught in a web where I didn’t belong. All week long I’d been pushing aside my guilt and letting myself get swept away. I didn’t like this feeling. My eyes burned as conviction filled me.
“No. I can’t do this.” I couldn’t believe I said it. It felt right, but so awful. “If I’m in the picture when you guys break up, I’m always going to feel like it was partly my fault.”
“Harlow. No.” Why did he have to sound so broken?
“It feels really wrong,” I told him, even as my heart broke. “I have so much guilt, Shawn. So much.”
“You have nothing to feel guilty about. You haven’t done anything wrong.”
“I have, though,” I admitted. “If I weren’t in the picture, you could be concentrating on fixing your family.”
“I’ve been trying a long time to fix it. My family is falling apart, with or without you in the picture.”
I groaned and pinched the bridge of my nose.
“Don’t make that sound,” he whispered as if in pain. “You have no idea what it does to me.” I swear, the sound of him being turned on sent a bolt of fire straight to my core. I pressed my knees together and pinched my bridge even harder.
“This is too hard,” I said, my eyes burning now. “If you guys break up because of your job and the distance, that’s one thing. But I need to not be in the picture until after.”
“I wouldn’t even be talking to you if things were good in my life. That’s the God’s honest truth.”
Nothing he could say would make me believe I wasn’t making the situation worse. He was emotionally cheating on her with me and I couldn’t do it anymore. He had one more week in Japan. One more week to try and get his fiancé on board to move there so he could have his son in his daily life. The burning behind my eyes intensified and it was hard to take a breath without emotion overflowing.
“Promise me you’ll deal with your situation,” I said thickly. “Promise me you won’t let it linger forever. This limbo is not good for anyone.”
“Harlow…fuck. I’m sorry you’re dragged into this. I do need to take care of it. Are you crying? Please don’t cry.”
I wiped my eyes and sniffed back the moisture. “No.” But my voice gave me away. Damn it.
“Honey, please don’t cry.” Honey. Dear Lord. I melted into a puddle of mush and swallowed back another wave of emotion.
“I have to go,” I choked out.
“I don’t want to hang up.”
“We have to,” I whispered. And what I couldn’t tell him was that I was falling way too hard and too fast and I was scared shitless. “Good bye, Shawn.”
He paused, and I knew he wanted to argue and beg. Finally, in a defeated voice he said, “Sweet dreams.”
I hung up and let myself really cry.
Waking up with no good morning text from Shawn made the raw emotions rise up all over again. My eyes were still puffy from last night. One thought had cycled in my mind over and over: what if they stayed together? Should I be fighting for him?
No. I shook my head as I stood heavily and padded to the bathroom to shower.
I knew myself. I would never be able to have a healthy relationship with Shawn if I felt like I’d sabotaged his previous engagement. When it came right down to it, Shawn would have to let her go and choose me of his own accord in order for things to sit right with me. And if he chose her, then we weren’t meant to be. I would survive.
But as I put my face under the hot shower water, my chest constricted with brokenness. Why did I feel so strongly for a man I’d known such a short time? We’d never even kissed! I took deep breaths to calm myself. The situation was out of my hands now. Only time would tell.
The day dragged, and bad vibes seemed to emanate from far too many people. I nearly collapsed that night as I wheeled my suitcase into the Newark crew room. As bedraggled and grumpy as I felt, my spirits lifted when I heard my name shouted and looked over to see a table of familiar, smiling faces. Holly, Beth, Silas, copilot Lee, and the male