was distant from the rest of the world, fully immersed in the words on the page unless a patient needed her help.
She shut the book and gave me a half-smile. “Hey.”
“How’s he’s doing?”
“You know, same ole, same ole.” She stood from her chair and hugged her book to her chest. Her brown hair was pulled up into a messy ponytail, and she looked exhausted. I had a feeling her job wasn’t the easiest to perform.
It was clear that Dad didn’t have much time left, and to be honest, I wasn’t certain how to feel about it all. My father wasn’t a good man. He was cruel to anyone and everyone he came into contact with.
A few glances around my house demonstrated what my father had been like toward me when I was growing up. He’d put enough holes in the walls from when his drunken rage emerged through his fists. When those fists hadn’t connected with walls, there was a good chance they’d collided with my face. I couldn’t count on both hands the number of times he’d beat me in every single room of that house for the most mundane things.
If the washer didn’t finish before the evening news—beating.
If strangers were found wandering on our property—beating.
If he heard me snoring too loud—beating.
If he missed my mother—fucking beating.
I always tried to piece together when my father had become the monster he was. He had been cruel and violent before Mom passed away, but Dad lost his mind when she died. I didn’t blame my brother for leaving town. I should’ve done the same thing except I could never build up enough courage to leave Dad on his own.
Maybe a part of me felt the need to take care of him.
Maybe a part of me felt I deserved the beatings.
Either way, I stayed.
I should’ve filled in the holes in the walls, but a part of me didn’t want to forget the damage that my father had done.
Amanda folded her arms, and her stare grew gentle. “How are you holding up?” she asked.
“You know, same ole, same ole,” I muttered, giving her the same words she’d delivered my way. I pulled out the paperback from inside my jacket and held it in the air. “Can I go back?”
“Yeah, of course.”
“Okay. Thanks, Amanda.”
Lightning lit up the sky outside, and within seconds, there was a deluge of rain falling.
“Crap,” she muttered, rolling her shoulders back. “It’s really coming down out there, and I rode my bike to work.”
“I’ll give you a lift home when I’m done here if you want.”
I saw the spark of hope in her eyes as I said the words, and I wished I could’ve been the kind of dick who didn’t notice a woman’s emotions. It had to be easier than seeing every feeling that shifted their features.
“Yeah, that would be great,” she said, trying to hold in her smile.
Don’t smile for me, Amanda. I’m not worth it.
I headed to Dad’s room, and when I walked in, he was sleeping, which was good. If he hadn’t been asleep, I would’ve considered turning around and walking away. Sitting on his deathbed, he still had the ability to be full-blown cruel—even when he didn’t recognize me as his own son. When he was resting, though, I could look at him as more human than a monster.
I pulled up a chair beside his bed and began reading War and Peace—his favorite novel—to him. I’d been reading him a few chapters each evening, even if he couldn’t hear me. That novel was one of the only things he and I had in common. Outside of liking the same book, I was the complete opposite of the fragile man who lay across from me.
I read for about forty-five minutes before shutting the book and rising to my feet. Dad looked so broken down and tired. Sometimes I’d count his breaths to make sure they were all being taken fully.
Other times, I’d lay my hand against his chest to feel his heartbeats.
My cold heart didn’t know how to deal with what was happening to the man I’d always known to be hard and rough. Seeing him so broken down was harder than I could’ve ever imagined.
After I finished my visit, I headed toward the reception desk where Amanda was already waiting. “Ready?” I asked.
She nodded as she gathered her things.
We walked out to my truck, and she was quick to change my radio from the rock station to her pop music. “Thanks for the ride. I