“Forget it. It’s not like she’s going to tell you. She knows where your loyalty lies.”
Stupidly, guiltily, I mumbled, “I think she’s looking forward to the show tonight.”
“Yeah, well, I’m more worried about after the show,” he said. “I finally got her on the phone last night, but she wouldn’t answer any of my questions and I lost my shit with her. Outright asked her if she was seeing someone, and you know what she said?”
My body stiffened. I knew October had spoken to Cal the night before, but she’d gone outside to talk, and when she came back in, I didn’t ask her what they’d talked about.
I kept my eyes on the back of the Tesla in front of me. Its license plate read “0PECL0L.”
“She said, ‘We’ll discuss everything after the show.’ That was it. No denial, no protests, no calling me crazy or paranoid. I didn’t even get a lecture about our stupid fucking free love.” He turned the radio back on. “I know she can be private as fuck, but you see her almost every day. Have you noticed anything that might be worth mentioning?”
My mouth felt like it was stuffed with newspaper. I shook my head. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. Trust me, I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and I’m ready for whatever she’s going to throw at me tonight.” He turned his torso and head my way. “The thing is, all the issues October has with me, with our relationship, she’s right.”
I looked at him for a second. His resolve seemed inexorable.
“I can’t expect her to sit around waiting for me while I’m gallivanting all over the world, doing whatever I want to do, with whoever I want to do it with. Did you know that when she and I first started dating, she toured Europe with me for three months?”
I did not know that.
“She turned it into one of her art projects. Photographed the empty venues during soundcheck, in every city we went to, and then she hand-sewed song lyrics onto the photographs. Showed the work at a gallery in London. It was a big hit. Back then she wanted to work and be with me. She was committed to it. To us. And you know what? I’ve never reciprocated that.” Cal started opening and shutting the AC register on his side of the truck. “It was the best three months of our relationship. But have I ever been there for her? No. Obviously she’s going to get bored and lonely. How can I blame her for that? I have no right to be mad at her if she is seeing someone. I just want it to stop. I want to move forward. I want another chance.”
“What are you saying? That you’re going to give up your career so she doesn’t break up with you?”
“Of course not. And she wouldn’t want that. But I’ve been on the road more often than not for a decade. It would do me good to chill for a while.” Cal took off his jacket and moved his hands around like a conductor while he talked. “This is my plan. I’m going to vow to take a year off. I’m going to end this free love nonsense. Really commit to this relationship. And I’m going to participate in her life. I’m going to do shit with her. Shit she likes to do, like hiking and going to museums and the farmers’ market—she always wants me to go to the fucking farmers’ market with her, and I never do. You know, even when I took her to Big Sur I was on the phone most of the time, working. And how about taking her out for a romantic dinner once in a while? How hard does that sound? It sounds like fucking heaven, and I don’t know why I haven’t been doing it. I’m an asshole.” Cal turned the AC on low. “So yeah, that’s my plan. I’m going to show up and give her what she needs, and she’s going to forget about whatever fucking fuckhead she’s messing around with, because whoever he is, he can’t give her what I can give her. That much I know.” Cal nodded like he had it all figured out. “I’m not going to screw this up.”
He stared at me, waiting.
“What?” I mumbled.
“Do you think I’ll be able to convince her to give me another chance?”