So We Can Glow - Stories - Leesa Cross-Smith Page 0,66
I love that Bradley has given those things to Evan, our only. And it isn’t all lost because Evan has my wild, curly hair, the underneath and edges occasionally burning red in the summer sun.
I’d been careful to pack Evan’s bag for Bradley knowing full-well that Bradley would wing things anyway, like he usually did. And I’m trying to relax about that too. I am constantly reminding myself to let go and imagining the successful Velcro-snatch of separating my intrusive worries from my pleasant thoughts. It’ll be okay if Evan wears the same pair of shorts two days in a row or if Bradley’s mom lets him have two cookies. Three, even! But, I still can’t help myself from crying a little when I click on my phone to take a look at the photo again and open my text messages. Bradley had texted me right before takeoff.
Remember the flight is short, only about an hour! You’ll be fine! We’ll be fine! Have fun! Try not to worry too much! We’ll be together soon! We love you!
Bradley had added all the exclamation points for me, to make me feel better. He’s a natural-born encourager. I wipe my tears and read his text again and when I consider gripping the armrests one more time, I hear Bradley’s voice in my head. That’s not relaxing. So I take a deep breath and confidently ask for a white wine when the flight attendant steps next to me.
“Actually, I’ll have two wines please,” I say.
The flight attendant also hands me a small, crinkly package of tissue and winks at me. She’s old-Hollywood pretty and I like looking at her.
And with my wines and my book, I’m okay. I’m better. I don’t obsessively imagine our plane bursting into flames or exploding into the colored quilt of cornfields and farmland. I don’t constantly imagine Bradley putting the yellow oxygen mask on himself first, then slipping it over Evan’s tiny head and ears. The gasping. No. Stop.
Stop! I am excited to see Heather. I haven’t seen her since Christmas! She’ll be a beautiful bride next week, marrying the person she’s always been waiting for. Heather and I lost our virginity on the same day in the same house that high school summer with those best-friend boys whose intense relationship mirrored ours. Inseparable, rascally, wild. Heather got her heart broken, but only mildly. Jamie and I had dated for a few months before breaking up and before I moved away, we’d seen each other every now and then at the grocery store, the park. One time at the pediatrician’s office, both of us smiling and speaking quietly, rocking our sleeping, feverish babies.
Jamie and I have been friends on Facebook ever since and I didn’t hate thinking about that summer afternoon on his best friend Tristan’s couch, all those summer afternoons on all those couches. My blood jumps when I think about how maybe I’ll run into Jamie when I’m back in town, how he’ll always be my forever-first and he’s not a half-bad one. Even Bradley has said that my relationship with Jamie is sweet. After Jamie I’d dated a string of assholes until I graduated from college and met Bradley, who I like to say has either burned through his asshole tendencies before meeting me or never had them in the first place, which always makes him smile.
When we were in high school, Heather and I would kiss before we went to sleep at night. Real kisses, with tongue and we never told anyone about it. I think even telling Bradley would be a small crease of betrayal, but I do wonder what he’d think about it if he knew. Although not like we used to, Heather and I still kiss on the mouth when we see one another, because it’s how we’ve always been. We love each other so much; kissing each other makes sense. We’ve always been in love with each other and it’s different than anything we’ve ever felt for a man. Not deeper, but…diagonal.
It took me forever to get pregnant, but Heather had gotten pregnant on accident. I miscarried that baby, Heather had hers and now he’s twelve. I was jealous and angry about how easy it’d been for her, but she wasn’t happy and her relationship fell apart. I spent years and years trying to get pregnant again; I lost track of how much money we spent. Now, Heather is getting married to a person who actually deserves her, and I have