So We Can Glow - Stories - Leesa Cross-Smith Page 0,46

to meet your daddy; I’m sorry he never even knew I was pregnant. My Woman’s Work was when I got myself all ready to tell him when he came home, but he never got there because the cops picked him up. And when he got out of jail that time, he was so mad at me and hating the world, I didn’t feel safe around him anymore. I didn’t want him near me when he was like that. I told you how he came home and broke every plate in the kitchen and about tore the door off the hinges. Screamed at me to quit crying, but I couldn’t stop. One of those guys in jail told him all kinds of nasty things about me, but I wasn’t going to let Jack hurt me for it. I don’t know why it took me so long to draw that line, but I’m glad I drew it. Classic Jack to go missing for a week then pop up again and get into it with those monsters. Classic Jack, ending up on the wrong side of a gun like some dark-holler country song.

I’ve told you before that I don’t think Jack could’ve been a good father, no matter how hard he tried. He didn’t have it in him. Your Grandma Boone said as much. I’ll never forget her on that porch looking me right in the eyes and saying Jack tries, but he just can’t. I went ahead and asked her just can’t what and she said Faye Louise, he just can’t.

Listen to a mother when she tells you about her child. Mamas know.

Jack was good at poker, yes. Too good. Gambling always got him into trouble. And Johnny…wow, Johnny was a terrible man, way worse than Jack, but I’m not taking up for Jack Boone. I learned my lesson there. Just because he’s dead doesn’t mean I’ll sit here and say he was a good man, because he wasn’t. I used to think he could’ve been a good man if he’d wanted to. I fell in love with that delusion.

Few times a year he’d get all cleaned up on Sunday morning for church, sober and smiling. But Lord have mercy…hell would break loose again. Saturday night always rolled around quick no matter what. And that was the real him: Saturday Night Jack. I was so obsessed with him in high school thinking he was this dreamy bad boy when really, he was just…bad. He was my first love, but the Jack I loved didn’t even exist. My biggest blessing besides you was growing up and out of those lies I kept telling myself.

If I had to think of something nice to say about him I’d say he made good spaghetti sauce and his laugh was so goofy it made everyone in the room laugh along with him. And you’ve seen plenty of pictures, so you know how cute he was. Girl…those eyes got me. Not only do I see him in your out-of-this-world gorgeous eyes…but also in the little sighs you make while you’re sleeping. You got what was good about him and that was the best thing he ever did…passing those things on to you.

I tried like hell to keep Jack from the end I knew in my bones was coming. I think about those months before I got pregnant with you…when I thought he would change…keep a decent job. Stupidly believing he’d stopped gambling and running with those monsters. I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was and I was wrong. Dead wrong! I’ve never been more wrong about anything in my life. It was arrogant of me to think that somehow I could make him a better man than he was. Why me? Ain’t nobody that special.

Grandmommy and Granddaddy helped all they could, but if your Uncle Coot hadn’t given me that money to leave town and move on, who knows what would’ve happened? Uncle Coot loves you so much. He finished your bookcase! I’ll send a picture soon. I told him he was going to have to make another one with how much you read. It looks good in your bedroom, right by the window. Sometimes I go in and look at it because it’s so pretty and I miss you so much. Your room still smells like you. Apples!

* * *

To: Faye Taylor

From: Birdie Taylor-Boone

Date: September 14, 2020, 7:12 p.m.

Subject: Re: MENARETRASH

Mama, you ARE special. That doesn’t change just because guys are assholes. ;)

More soon, I promise.