So We Can Glow - Stories - Leesa Cross-Smith Page 0,15

I decided in the kitchen that I would lose it to Tristan whenever I was tired of waiting.

“I like you a lot, too,” I said to him before he kissed me again. Was Crystal jealous of Tristan kissing me? When we went back to the living room, Crystal and Jamie were making out on the couch and neither of them even noticed us, so we went to Tristan’s room and closed the door.

That quick, I decided I was tired of waiting and I wanted to lose my virginity with Crystal in the same house, so we could talk about it later. I hoped maybe she was in the living room losing hers to Jamie. In Mermaids, Christina Ricci almost drowns while Winona Ryder is losing her virginity up in the bell tower, so before Tristan and I did it, I went to the door and opened it and peeked out at Crystal and Jamie. They were under a blanket and I could see Jamie’s ass moving up and down. Underneath him, Crystal had her head thrown back, her hair hanging down the side of the couch like a waterfall, her eyes closed. Jamie looked right at me and the look on his face was placid. Another extra credit word from our vocab quiz. Jamie looked at me and looked at me, then closed his eyes tight, let his head hang down, and kept moving under the blanket.

Tristan and I moved under his blanket too. Watching Crystal and Jamie made me so horny I felt like I’d pass out. Tristan had been looking for condoms in his dresser while I was watching them, so I didn’t even know if he knew what I’d been doing. I liked Jamie looking at me when he was with Crystal like that, because it made me feel close to Crystal. And even when Tristan was inside me with the condom on I was thinking about how later Crystal and I would go back to her house or my house and watch a Winona movie and kiss when we got in bed. I loved being with Tristan. He was sweet and gentle and kept asking me if I was okay and I was. I was more than okay. The night was perfect and the cigarette I’d share with Crystal later would be perfect and seeing Winona’s brown eyes on the TV would be so comforting to both of us. We’d talk about the boys, cry about Amber, watch Winona and write WINONA FOREVER on our arms and kiss some more. We’d be cranky with lust and twinkle like sometimes-sad, crooked little lights.

Girlheart Cake with

Glitter Frosting

POSSIBLE INGREDIENTS: Too much black eyeliner. Roses. Champagne from a can, champagne in a bottle. “Music to Watch Boys To” by Lana Del Rey. Pink, lavender cigarettes. Flower water, flower crowns. “Formation” by Beyoncé. Glossy lips, glossy eyelids. “Fetish (feat. Gucci Mane)” by Selena Gomez. Red lipstick. Lipgloss in your pocket, lipgloss in your purse, old lipgloss lost and found under the couch. Lipgloss that smells like birthday cake, lipgloss that smells like blueberry, lipgloss that smells like mango. Your natural hair. Lorde humming at the beginning of “Yellow Flicker Beat.” Fairs and beers. Los Angeles, Nashville, Kentucky. Malibu! Miranda Lambert and a lighter. “Milk” by Kings of Leon. Expensive skincare routines. The Virgin Suicides. “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House. Green-green summer grass and ice-blue pool water. Lindsay Weir dancing in her bedroom to “Box of Rain.” Sunflower sunshine, golden. “Thirteen” by Big Star. Rihanna as fairy godmother. Zazie Beetz. Harry Styles in a wallpapery, wildly patterned suit. Chipped polish and a mood ring. Beach breath, sunscreen. Taking your bra off, finally. And bleeding and bleeding and bleeding. Dresses and leggings and cowboy boots. “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” by Sophie B. Hawkins. Vanilla. Cherry. Every Fiona Apple. Lens flares. Kissing your black- (or brown- or red- or blond- or no-) haired husband or boyfriend while he’s sleeping, kissing your black- (or brown- or red- or blond- or no-) haired husband or boyfriend when he’s awake. Pink quartz, amethyst, carnelian, aquamarine, red jasper, plum jasper, citrine, amber, padparadscha sapphire, etc. “The Summer I Was Sixteen” by Geraldine Connolly. “Dancing Queen” by ABBA. “Killer Queen” by Queen. Feather earrings and hoop earrings and groupies. And Taylor Swift. Father John Misty and Father John Misty’s hands in the smoke and lights. Jeff Buckley. Clementine and honey. Patsy Cline. Cool, green iridescent lake water, beer can bonfires. “Spice Night” by Catherine