It becomes a part of one, as one is changed. It is a simple thing, too, of course, to smile, to speak clearly, and listen attentively. And so, I thought, in a variety of ways, I would act a part, and thus diminish, and then dismiss, my concerns. What could not be I would pretend was. If I were not truly beautiful, I would act as though I was, even to insolence and defiance; if I was not desirable, I would act as though I was, even to arousing interest and then, mockingly, frustrating it. And so I gave attention to my figure, with diet and exercise, gave attention to my hair, improved my makeup, enlarged my wardrobe, and made it a point to dress flatteringly. I was careful now with respect to my posture, my speech, and demeanor, and carried my head high, as might a lofty, frigid free woman. How meretricious that was, as I knew myself, in my heart, a slave. My head should have been bowed! And I should have feared the lash! But it was a game, a form of acting, you must understand. Was I not legally free! I was free! I behaved so, as I did, you must understand, merely in order to mitigate my fears, to face, taunt, defy, and deny them, to ridicule them, to prove them groundless, only that. How horrifying then if, despite my intentions, so well-meaning and innocent, it might have been this very charade which has brought me to my chains, in a Gorean dungeon, awaiting shipment, with others, we know not where. I do know we are near the docks, for I can hear waves washing against pilings, and smell the sea. We are naked, the chains are heavy. They are on our necks, our wrists and ankles. But forgive me, Masters. Forgive my vain heart. What have I done? I know I am not permitted to lie. Free women may lie, but not I. Why, truly, had I behaved as I did, so blatantly, so insolently, so provocatively? I wished, of course, as I now understand, to interest and intrigue possible watchers. I wanted to impress them. Did they know that? I suspect they did. Perhaps they were amused. Surely slave dispositions are important in being a slave. Should not those who should be slaves make the best slaves? Why should we fight our slave dispositions? Why should we pretend to be other than we are, better than we are? I suppose it is clear then why I acted as I did. I did not truly act in order to confront and overcome fear, but, rather, to display myself. If I were under surveillance, truly, and it might be so, I could hope that I wished to be found pleasing. I wished the report to be favorable. Even the pretense to freedom, arrogance, contempt, inaccessibility, frigidity, and such, was intended to be provocative. I supposed some men might enjoy taking such a woman in hand, and turning her into a stripped, collared, humbled, aroused, begging slave.
I think I played my role well.
But how alien it was to my needs.
How strange that I, lonely, lost in my uncaring world, aching for the touch of a man, should have pretended to indifference, disdain, and contempt!
I think I was closer to myself than many, and nearer to the feet of a master.
For several days I continued the game, growing, for no reason I clearly understood at the time, ever less hopeful, and more despondent. Surely I should be much pleased. Surely I had been successful. I had shown to myself that there was nothing to fear, that my apprehensions and concerns had been groundless. How relieved, and pleased, I should be! Did I understand then what I had truly been doing, what I really wanted? I do not think so. I understand now. Then, one night, clutching my pillow, bursting into tears, I ended the game, realizing its meaninglessness and futility, and accepted, sorrowing, the drabness, the boredom, the pointlessness, the impoverishment, the emptiness, the reality of my life.
How pathetic that I, a forlorn, wandering slave, should find myself on a world without masters. How was it that one such as I had been born here, in this place, in this time? Must it not be a mistake? I was not, and did not wish to be, an identical, a neuter, an artifact, a product, a role, an adversary, an enemy, a foe. I had striven to be