Smitten - Lauren Rowe Page 0,50
group, and I suddenly realize, in aggregate, these men have ten lifetimes’ more sexual experience than me. So, I decide not to miss out on a golden opportunity.
“Hey, guys, can I ask you for some confidential advice?” I glance toward the women on the far side of the party, making sure they can’t overhear me. “If I get to see Alessandra in New York, I don’t know how physical our relationship will become. We haven’t even kissed yet—it’s a long story. So, I’m not sure exactly what might happen. I mean, we’re going to kiss. Obviously. But beyond that—”
“She’s a virgin and you’re asking for advice?” Keane says.
“Shhh! Peenie. Jesus.”
“Just trying to help. Isn’t that what you’re so artfully getting at?”
I exhale. “Yes. I’m not assuming anything, mind you. I just . . . don’t want to blow it for her if it turns out things go that direction.”
Colby, our calm and quiet Master Yoda, says, “How old is she, Fish?”
“Nineteen. Turning twenty in two months. She said she’s been waiting for the right guy. Someone she really trusts. She didn’t say that guy was going to be me, mind you, but she kind of implied I might be on her short list. So . . .”
Colby looks down at his sleeping daughter in his arms. “My best advice? Don’t pressure her. Ever.”
“Oh, yeah. That’s a given. I’d never do that. But, I mean, I think it’s fair to say she’s thinking about doing this with me, without me pressuring her. And, you know, that’d be great with me. But, like I said, I’d want to give her the best possible experience . . .”
“Just watch all my early ‘Ball Peen Hammer’ videos,” Keane says. “Those will tell you everything you need to know about ringing the bell.”
He’s talking about the YouTube series he stars in, that’s shot by his wife, Maddy. In recent years, their show has become about their relationship and adventures as a couple. But in the beginning, Keane—as his alter ego, “Ball Peen Hammer”—talked about women and sex and the best techniques for making women reach orgasm on command.
“I’ve got some advice,” Zander says. “Whatever you do, don’t turn into the Flash on her in The Big Moment. My very first time, she was a virgin, too, and I was so damned excited, I lost it within seconds of going in. I’ll never forget that poor girl furrowing her brow and saying, ‘Is that it? Did we do it?’”
Everyone grimaces and laughs, including me.
“Just to be sure you last, you should beat off a few hours beforehand,” Keane declares.
“Man, I wish I’d done that,” Zander says.
“I’ve got some advice,” Ryan says. “Foreplay. Engage in lots of it with her. Like, a ridiculous amount.”
“Well, obviously.”
“No. Way, way beyond what you think is obvious,” Ryan replies. “With anyone, but especially a virgin.”
“Maybe try hitting her with The Sure Thing, as foreplay?” Keane says.
Everyone in the group, other than me, tells Keane that’s the stupidest idea they’ve ever heard and he needs to shut the fuck up.
“She needs to get her sea legs first, before you hit her with that, Fish,” Ryan says. “You know that, right?”
I feel myself blushing. “Oh, of course. I wasn’t planning to do that . . . any time soon.”
“Oh, shit,” Keane says, scrutinizing me. “You’ve never gotten The Sure Thing working for you, have you?”
Damn.
I’m a terrible liar.
Always have been.
It practically killed me when I lied to these guys about my supposed sexual exploits with my fake girlfriend in high school. And I really don’t want to go through that again. I’m a grown man now. Done with lying about anything. Plus, if it turns out Alessandra picks me as her first, then I’d kick myself if I didn’t use this amazing think tank to get the best possible advice. “Um. That’s correct. I’ve never figured out The Sure Thing.”
“Dude!” Keane says. “I’ve got an entire video on it!”
Ryan puts up his hand. “Stop, Peenie. The Sure Thing isn’t what he should be focusing on right now.” He looks at me. “All you need to worry about is making sure you know how to ring her bell, the good old-fashioned way, no matter what. You can do that, right?”
“No matter what?”
“Right. Every time. Without fail. No matter what.”
I open my mouth, like I’m going to speak, and then close it. And I guess that’s enough to answer Ryan’s question in the negative.
Everyone around me sighs like a whole bunch of disappointed dads.
“Aw, come