I turned to Nona. She was laughing, holding her arms out to me. And with a sudden blaze of understanding I knew, I knew, I knew. The last test. The last final. I had passed it and I was free!
I turned back to the doorway and of course it was nothing but an empty stone closet with dead leaves on the floor.
I went to Nona. I went to my life.
Her arms reached around my neck and I pulled her against me. That was when she began to change, to ripple and run like wax. The great dark eyes became small and beady. The hair coarsened, went brown. The nose shortened, the nostrils dilated. Her body lumped and hunched against me.
I was being embraced by a rat.
“Do you love?” it squealed. “Do you love, do you love?”
Her lipless mouth stretched upward for mine.
I didn’t scream. There were no screams left. I doubt if I will ever scream again.
It’s so hot in here.
I don’t mind the heat, not really. I like to sweat if I can shower. I’ve always thought of sweat as a good thing, a masculine thing, but sometimes, in the heat, there are bugs that bite-spiders, for instance. Did you know that the female spiders sting and eat their mates? They do, right after copulation.
Also, I’ve heard scurryings in the walls. I don’t like that.
I’ve given myself writer’s cramp, and the felt tip of the pen is all soft and mushy. But I’m done now. And things look different. It doesn’t seem the same anymore at all.
Do you realize that for a while they almost had me believing that I did all those horrible things myself? Those men from the truck stop, the guy from the power truck who got away. They said I was alone. I was alone when they found me, almost frozen to death in that graveyard by the stones that mark my father, my mother, my brother Drake. But that only means she left, you can see that. Any fool could. But I’m glad she got away. Truly I am. But you must realize she was with me all the time, every step of the way.
I’m going to kill myself now. It will be much better. I’m tired of all the guilt and agony and bad dreams, and also I don’t like the noises in the walls. Anybody could be in there. Or anything.
I’m not crazy. I know that and trust that you do, too. If you say you aren’t crazy that’s supposed to mean you are, but I am beyond all those little games. She was with me, she was real. I love her. True love will never die. That’s how I signed all my letters to Betsy, the ones I tore up.
But Nona was the only one I ever really loved.
It’s so hot in here. And I don’t like the sounds in the walls.
Do you love?
Yes, I love.
And true love will never die.
For Owen
Walking to school you ask me
what other schools have grades.
I get as far as Fruit Street and your eyes go away.
As we walk under these yellow trees
you have your army lunch box under one arm and your
short legs, dressed in combat fatigues,
make your shadow into a scissors
that cuts nothing on the sidewalk.
You tell me suddenly that all the students there are fruits.
Everyone picks on the blueberries because they are so small.
The bananas, you say, are patrol boys.
In your eyes I see homerooms of oranges,
assemblies of apples.
All, you say, have arms and legs
and the watermelons are often tardy.
They waddle, and they are fat.
“Like me,” you say.
I could tell you things but better not.
That watermelon children cannot tie their own shoes;
the plums do it for them.
Or how I steal your face—
steal it, steal it, and wear it for my own.
It wears out fast on my face.
It’s the stretching that does it.
I could tell you that dying’s an art
and I am learning fast.
In that school I think you have already
picked up your own pencil
and begun to write your name.
Between now and then I suppose we could
someday play you truant and drive over to Fruit Street
and I could park in a rain of these October leaves
and we could watch a banana escort the last tardy watermelon
through those tall doors.
Survivor Type
Sooner or later the question comes up in every medical student’s career. How much shock-trauma can the patient stand? Different instructors answer the question in different ways, but cut to its base level, the answer is always another question: