Leo steps forward, pulling me to him, holding me tight against his chest. I hear his rapid breaths and I realize he’s crying too.
“I love you,” he says, his mouth pressed into my fresh-cut hair. I feel his breath on my bare neck. “I was a total shit, yes. And I’m sorry. But I loved you—even when I didn’t know it, I loved you.”
I pull away from him. “A shit? That doesn’t even begin to—”
“I know,” he says. “I know.”
“Then w-why did you do it?”
“I don’t know,” Leo says, dragging the backs of his hands across his cheeks. “I don’t—I’ve been doing it since I was a kid, I didn’t . . .”
“You’ve got no reason,” I say, stepping back. The fog is rolling in. “You’re not even going to tell me you were following orders? In this stupid fucking war of yours . . . Or you’re one of those soldiers who kills for fun. You’re a psychopath.”
Leo frowns, as if I’m speaking a language he can’t comprehend. “Following orders is no excuse.” He pulls his hand through his hair, dislodging settled white leaves that drop onto his shoulders. “But I—I had to kill to live.”
“What?” I slip on a wet stone, stumbling. “You didn’t—why?”
“All part of his infinite plan.” Leo shrugs, as if death were nothing at all. “As stars fallen to Earth, part human, part celestial. Once we turn thirteen we start to fade.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Our light begins to go out,” he says. “And it’s only fuelled by the extinguishing of another soul—the stronger the spirit, the brighter the light. I still take food and water, but it’s not enough to live.”
A rain starts to fall with the leaves.
“Wait,” I say. “You were going to . . . extinguish me. Are you—does that mean, if you don’t, then you’ll die?”
Leo shrugs and pulls his hand through his wet hair again, and I’m reminded of the first time I saw him, looking as if he’d been uprooted, transported from another place. And now I know from which place. He never quite looked as if he belonged in Cambridge. But here he looks as if he belongs absolutely. And now he’s going to uproot himself.
“But—but . . .” My heart is beating too fast and I can’t catch my breath. “In two days, I don’t . . .”
“Don’t worry,” Leo says. “It’s fine. It’s far less than I deserve. It’ll be quick, I’m afraid I won’t suffer as much as I should—”
“It’s not fine,” I snap. “Don’t be so fucking stupid. It’s not—it’s not . . .”
I don’t see him move but Leo is beside me again, touching his fingers tentatively to my face. “Don’t cry, please, don’t.” He brushes my wet cheeks, wiping away my tears. “I’m not worth it. I’m a savage, a sadist, you should hate me, you should . . .”
“I do,” I say, wanting to sink into him, wanting to pull away. “I hate you, I hate you.” I fall against him, sapped of all strength to fight him anymore. “I do hate you. For everything you’ve done, but most of all for making me love you.”
“I’m sorry,” Leo whispers.
I’m silent.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m . . .”
He says it, over and over, and over again.
3:33 a.m.—Bea
Tonight Bea returns to Everwhere, travelling on the tides of her dreams, waking once she gets there, as she had as a young girl. When she opens her eyes all the pieces of the puzzle—the half memories, the images, the echoes—snap suddenly into place.
So now Bea has it: certain and irrefutable proof, the truth of who she was and who she is. Paradoxically, she’s both shocked and unsurprised, since it has been building for days, weeks. Or, indeed, years and lifetimes if her mamá is to be believed. Vali was right after all, to believe in fate. Bea is dark. She doesn’t have a choice. Be it fate or destiny, what it’s not is a decision.
If only it were, she’d be free to make a different one.
9:17 a.m.—Scarlet
“Get up, Grandma. It’s a beautiful day. Let’s go for a walk.”
Sitting in bed, Esme pulls the blankets up to her chin.
“It’s sunny,” Scarlet persists. “The sun is actually shining. Come on, we can’t let that go to waste. Grandma?”
But Esme shakes her head, refusing to meet her granddaughter’s eye.
Scarlet refuses to admit that her grandmother is getting worse. She decides it’s a blip, a slight downslide before she’ll perk up again. Of course, she knows this