The Sinners of Saint Amos - Logan Fox Page 0,176

move. Until I ran in circles, or threw things, or bounced on the bed.

My young body was a hormonal shit show. I either couldn’t concentrate, or couldn’t stop concentrating. Especially when I was punished. It was like my brain was working overtime to figure out why I invited pain.

It took years for me to realize that I was inviting it because I did enjoy it to some extent.

Because when they punished me, I wouldn’t let any of the hurt show. And that confused them. And their confusion brought me great, great pleasure.

I was in my teens before I figured out that I enjoyed causing people harm. Emotional or physical, it didn’t matter. They were the same thing, but experienced at different frequencies.

Cass was the one responsible for that epiphany. He claims the basement turned him into a masochist but I think he was probably one all along.

When Cass ran out of dope or wanted something different to tune out to, he sought out pain. The others refused to give it to him. Me too, at first. Back then, my brothers didn’t know about my darker side. The side that wanted to inflict suffering.

And I resisted him, until he goaded me past the point of no return.

Somehow, he’d figured out my secret.

So I hit him, just like he wanted. But a lot harder than he’d anticipated. I’ll never forget his gasp of pain, and the shock in his eyes. Watching the confusion on his face as he tried to figure out what had happened? It felt fucking amazing.

That’s when things changed. When I began to understand who the mind inside the body was. Me. My soul.

My brothers led me to that discovery, each in their own way…and I’m grateful.

But I still betrayed them and they deserve better.

That’s why I left. Because my brothers deserve a life without me.

But not like this.

Not while the thing they—we—so dearly want has been taken from them.

I know they’ll never forgive me. I knew before I read Reuben’s message. But I don’t need their forgiveness.

I need them to accept my help this one last time.

When the water turns cold and I start to shiver, I know it’s time to get out.

I leave that place feeling like a dick for not cleaning up, but I couldn’t stay a second longer.

I can’t believe it’s taken me so long to realize it, but I’ve been heading in the wrong fucking direction this whole time.

“Black coffee,” I say as soon as the waitress behind the counter looks up at me. I immediately break eye contact, but I see her watching me for a second longer before she goes to get my order.

Because I look like shit.

I didn’t dare stop again, so I’ve been relying on caffeine and sheer willpower to keep me awake. It’s been a rough road, like trekking up a crumbling mountain track, and I’m sure the downhill’s even worse. But hopefully, by that time, I’ve found them again.

I didn’t bother calling. Knew they wouldn’t pick up. But technology has its perks.

The coffee arrives, and I blow on it to cool it faster. I order a sandwich—not because I’m hungry but because my body needs fuel.

I could have carried on driving to California. Set myself up in a hotel until the transfer papers for the house were signed. Until they gave me the key.

But then I’d have resigned myself to a life of misery. Probably a short one, at that.

They don’t need me…but I need them. It’s painful to admit, but I’ve had more than enough time to come to terms with the fact.

I detoured soon as I located their phones. I’m surprised they didn’t ditch them…but I guess they weren’t expecting me to come back.

Fuck, I wasn’t expecting me to come back.

I stick a hand down the front of my shirt and fish out Trinity’s crucifix. The wood feels smooth, almost oily, between my fingers. I lift it a little and squint through what looks like a clear gem stuck near the top as the smell of roses fills my nose. The Virgin Mary peers back at me, resplendent in front of her golden halo. Face serene. Like she knows everything’s going to be just peachy, as long as I have faith.

I found it on the floor a few steps from Saint Amos’s front doors, right after I’d locked eyes with Reuben. The clasp was bent—must have fallen off her neck as Gabriel carried her out of the building. I meant to give it back to Rube,