you’re right, I’m looking for physical explanations because I’d rather there be something more external for why he didn’t love me back. Something less about the inside of me. You can change your clothes and your hair, put on a different lipstick, do your nails a different way. But when it’s who you are, you can’t really work with that, you know?”
“But maybe it was on him. Maybe he wasn’t ready. Maybe there was something wrong with the bastard.”
“The one he ended up with is nothing like me.”
“So his picker is wrong.” Butch went over and sat down in an armchair that faced away from the tub. In that huge mirror, on the left, he could still see her in the bath, though. “I know this is hard. But you’re blaming yourself for something that may not have a damn thing to do with you. I know it sounds like wicked bullshit, but it’s his loss and I hope he regrets it for the rest of his natural life.”
“I just don’t know what to do with myself. I walk aimlessly around town at night. I go to clubs and find nothing of interest. I… take my mood out on others. I’m not alive. I’m just not here.”
Butch sat forward and rubbed his face. “I’ve been where you are, Mel. I know what that’s like.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. And it’s rough.” Driven by commiseration, he got to his feet and turned around. “I’m so sorry, Mel. I don’t want this for you. I don’t want any of this for you.”
More tears fell from her eyes, disappearing into the clear water that covered her body. When she looked over at him, she was so sad, so small, in spite of her beauty.
Sniffling, she said hoarsely, “You really understand it, don’t you.”
“Yes.” Butch would have gotten closer if she’d had clothes on, but he kept his distance. “Mel, I need you to believe things will get better, okay? I mean, if love can happen for me? It can happen for you. You’re a good person. You’re a beautiful woman. Any man would be proud to have you for a partner. You just need to wake up to the truth that you are enough, no matter what some asshole thinks to the contrary.”
“I’m not perfect, Butch.”
“None of us are.”
“I’ve done some bad things.”
“We are all sinners—and yet our creator still loves us. And if the prerequisite for true romantic love was an unassailable history and character? The shit wouldn’t happen for anybody. You’re worthy of love. You deserve to be respected and cherished, and to get that, you don’t need to be anything different than you are. You have been created for a reason. You’re here for a reason. You have a purpose, and you have to believe that you’ll find someone who will help you in that purpose. And until that happens? All you really need to know is that you don’t have to be validated by anybody but yourself. You are enough.”
Her hands came up to rest on her cheeks, water running down the backs of them. “What is my purpose, though. I used to think I knew what it was. Now, I’m just so empty. There’s nothing there.”
“What makes you happy?” He glanced around. “Well, except for buying clothes. I think we can both agree that you’re an expert in that, just like me. But that’s a surface thing. What really feeds your soul?”
Mel got a far-off expression on her face.
As Butch’s phone rang, he ducked his hand inside his leather jacket.
“Do you need to take that?” Mel said remotely.
He silenced the ringer without taking the thing out. “No. You’re what matters right now. They can wait.”
Mel took a deep breath. Then she covered her breasts with her arms and sat up. Her eyes were grave as they met his own. “You mean what you say, don’t you.”
“Every word. Or I wouldn’t waste my breath on the syllables.”
“How will I know,” she whispered in a small voice.
“You mean who the right man is?” When she nodded, he smiled. “It’ll be because when you look at him and can’t look away? He’ll be doing the exact same thing at the exact same time. It’s in the eyes, Mel. They’re the windows of the soul, right?”
She stared across at him for the longest time. And then she nodded once.
“You can go,” she said softly. “I’m going to be okay.”
“You will be, I promise.” Butch took out his phone. “Do you want me to call someone