God here I am in the red underwear inviting disaster and laughs. Better to face this situation stark naked. She'll wonder what I'm doing in bed at eight thirty in the evening, my life, my body, I'll put it in bed whenever I want. Second thoughts which I'm making first again, I'll leave on the red underwear. What am I, unclothe myself just to suit her. Come to show me the gold slippers. Just tell her simply, the checks are still going to come, O I'll keep pouring the money in, keep those little kids healthy so they can tell me to my face that I am a big unwholesome cad. This is new, a discreet knock.
"Come in."
"George, may L"
"You may."
"No light."
"I know."
"Where are you George."
"In bed."
"Can't we have some light."
"No."
"Well can I come in."
"Come in."
"Should I close the door."
"Close it."
"Is it all right with you if I sit down."
"By all means. There's a chair three paces to your right."
"Thank you George."
"Any time."
"I've got it."
"Good."
"Can I talk, George."
"Sure."
"You know what I want to say, George."
"Beep beep."
"What's that funny noise you're making."
"You mean, beep beep."
"Yes, beep beep."
"O that's just beep beep."
"Sounds strange coming out of the dark."
"Beep beep."
"George."
"Yes Shirl."
"George."
"I'm listening Sha."
"I sound so loud in the dark."
"Beep beep."
"Don't do that George. Please."
"Beep beep."
"I know I deserve it George."
"Deserve what."
"Beep beep."
"Beep beep."
"George are we cars."
"You said it."
"I wanted you to see my gold slippers George."
"Too dark."
"Yeah. But do you want to feel my gold slippers."
"Stand back."
"I know I deserve it George. Do whatever you want to me."
"Pretty risky talk."
"I want to be risky."
"What are you doing Shirl."
"I'm undoing."
"Beep beep, I'm a car."
"This is the way we used to be, George."
"I've just stopped for traffic lights."
"Are you sitting up George."
"I'm waiting for the lights to change."
"And we should have been like this more often. Don't you think, George."
"Beep beep, I'm going again."
"Should we have a crash."
"Are you suggesting I'm not a careful driver."
"No George."
"Well watch it, beep beep."
"I can see you George. I can."
"He he. I can you too, Shirl."
"We've wasted so much time, George, haven't we."
"Don't drive your car too close."
"I want you to crash into me."
"Safety first."
"George."
"What are these Shirl."
"Feel them."
"Wow."
"Feel this."
"What is this Shirl."
"This is what I want you to feel."
"I'd be a fool to feel it."
"Be a fool and feel it."
"What a foolish feeling."
"Just because you're feeling foolish."
Reach out a hand to help. It's only polite. And she puts up her wrist and a hand softer than I ever thought it could be. This holiday in the country in the red underwear. O I raged. Of course I was insulted. How did she get over to the bed, in just the gold slippers. Climb right up on top and sit on it like a flagpole. I was thinking of just going into the village to buy a soda. Miss Tomson please don't go loose and lax at the holiday house party, all yule and yessy. Or engage with the empty balled vice presidents. What right have I to persist, I daren't even call you Sally in my dreams. Just press my face into Shirl's headlamp. Most comforting thing you can do. I hate cars. But amazing the lies you get up to in order to bring upon complete delusion. She's just come here like this to use me. Not for my personality but my organ.
"You like it, George."
What can you say to that. No. I don't like it. I suppose I could have a machine under the bed answering back in firm tones, yet giving way slightly to the emotional excitement of the time. Gee, Shirl And Miss Tomson you touched my knee however briefly or lighdy you touched it. I'm glad you didn't lean forward and grab. It was a movement of the arm. That light tap on the knee. Wanted so much to see your face and your wave goodbye. I was too full of seeing myself watched by the whole train as passengers wiped the sweat from the windows, all faces pressed on glass and they all began to sing together, up out of their seats, train's leaving, rush to the end of the car and all wave, can't see the faces for the hands, or Miss Tomson's because they're all so sad I'm gone, in there struggling to say goodbye to me. The train just clicked down the track away. And I was left.