she was becoming distressed, and I was wary of pushing her too hard.
“Do you need a break?”
She shook her head. “Let’s keep going. I’ve waited long enough to say this. I want to get it over with.”
“Are you sure? It might be a good idea to take a moment.”
She hesitated. “Can I have a cigarette?”
“A cigarette? I didn’t know you smoked.”
“I don’t. I—I used to. Can you give me one?”
“How do you know I smoke?”
“I can smell it on you.”
“Oh.” I smiled, feeling a little embarrassed. “Okay.” I stood up. “Let’s go outside.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
THE COURTYARD WAS POPULATED WITH PATIENTS. They were huddled about in their usual groups, gossiping, arguing, smoking; some were hugging themselves and stamping their feet to keep warm.
Alicia put a cigarette to her lips, holding it between her long thin fingers. I lit it for her. As the flame caught the tip of her cigarette, it crackled and glowed red. She inhaled deeply, her eyes on mine. She seemed almost amused.
“Aren’t you going to smoke? Or is that inappropriate? Sharing a cigarette with a patient?”
She’s making fun of me, I thought. But she was right to—no regulation prohibited a member of staff and a patient from having a cigarette together. But if staff smoked, they tended to do it covertly, sneaking to the fire escape at the back of the building. They certainly didn’t do it in front of the patients. To stand here in the courtyard and smoke with her did feel like a transgression. I was probably imagining it, but I felt we were being watched. I sensed Christian spying on us from the window. His words came back to me: “Borderlines are so seductive.” I looked into Alicia’s eyes. They weren’t seductive; they weren’t even friendly. A fierce mind was behind those eyes, a sharp intelligence that was only just waking up. She was a force to be reckoned with, Alicia Berenson. I understood that now.
Perhaps that’s why Christian had felt the need to sedate her. Was he scared of what she might do—what she might say? I felt a little scared of her myself; not scared, exactly—but alert, apprehensive. I knew I had to watch my step.
“Why not?” I said. “I’ll have one too.”
I put a cigarette in my mouth and lit it. We smoked in silence for a moment, maintaining eye contact, only inches from each other, until I felt a strange adolescent embarrassment and averted my gaze. I tried to cover it by gesturing at the courtyard.
“Shall we walk and talk?”
Alicia nodded. “Okay.”
We started walking around the wall, along the perimeter of the courtyard. The other patients watched us. I wondered what they were thinking. Alicia didn’t seem to care. She didn’t even seem to notice them. We walked in silence for a moment.
Eventually she said, “Do you want me to go on?”
“If you want to, yes … Are you ready?”
Alicia nodded. “Yes, I am.”
“What happened once you were inside the house?”
“The man said … he said he wanted a drink. So I gave him one of Gabriel’s beers. I don’t drink beer. I didn’t have anything else in the house.”
“And then?”
“He talked.”
“What about?”
“I don’t remember.”
“You don’t?”
“No.”
She lapsed into silence.
I waited as long as I could bear before prompting her, “Let’s keep going. You were in the kitchen. How were you feeling?”
“I don’t … I don’t remember feeling anything at all.”
I nodded. “That’s not uncommon in these situations. It’s not just a case of flight-or-fight responses. There’s a third, equally common response when we’re under attack—we freeze.”
“I didn’t freeze.”
“No?”
“No.” She shot me a fierce look. “I was preparing myself. I was getting ready … ready to fight. Ready to—kill him.”
“I see. And how did you intend to do that?”
“Gabriel’s gun. I knew I had to get to the gun.”
“It was in the kitchen? You had put it there? That’s what you wrote in the diary.”
Alicia nodded. “Yes, in the cupboard by the window.” She inhaled deeply and blew out a long line of smoke. “I told him I needed some water. I went to get a glass. I walked across the kitchen—it took forever to walk a few feet. Step by step, I reached the cupboard. My hand was shaking.… I opened it.…”
“And?”
“The cupboard was empty. The gun was gone. And then I heard him say, ‘The glasses are in the cupboard to your right.’ I turned around, and the gun was there—in his hand. He was pointing it at me, and laughing.”