and when one blows up in the middle of the night he’ll wrap himself up in a blanket and sit outside to watch it roll in, but I have to do it too because he gets cold. You don’t know that his feet are always freezing and you have to let him rest them on you in bed. You don’t know that he hates Marmite but loves Branston Pickle, and his bacon has to be cremated rather than merely cooked. That he can vanish into a book and be deaf to everything, and that Christmas adverts make him cry. That he won’t wear a coat but will always want to borrow yours when out on a walk. That he watches horror films through his fingers because he insists they’re less scary when you have fingers over your face.”
He pauses, breathing hard, and I stare at him. “Asa,” I say softly, and he instantly turns to me, grabbing me into a hug and kissing my hair.
“I’m sorry,” he says fervently. “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I never meant to, but you have to know that he means nothing to me.”
“But you split up because he wouldn’t come out.”
“No, I let him think that. I just wanted to go back to being friends. We didn’t work, and we were never together in that sense anyway. Jude, I love you. It’s only you and it only ever will be you. I don’t see anyone else, and it guts me that you thought I’d leave you.”
His warmth floods into me and the rage suddenly dies away, because this is my Asa. I know he wouldn’t cheat on me. I trust him. “It was the fact that you didn’t tell me about him,” I say quietly. “You made me look an idiot, and the thought occurred that you might replace me.”
He looks utterly bewildered. “Why would I replace you, Jude? I could never find anyone like you. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” He looks at me in a determined manner. “When we get back to the hotel we’ll go over both of our sex lives, and tell each other everything.”
“Oh, I don’t think I need that,” I say faintly.
Malachi, who is leaning against the wall and staring at us as if he’s at the theatre, drowns out my statement, saying, “If he says anything less than superb about my penis, he’ll just be sparing your feelings, Daddy.”
“I am not a fucking daddy,” Asa says through gritted teeth.
“Malachi,” I say warningly.
He chuckles. “Well, lovely as this trip down memory lane has been, I must be off.” He pauses. “Actually it was fairly sweet, and I’m alarmed that I’m not vomiting right at this moment. Jude, tell me something horrible quickly.”
“You’re getting wrinkles on your forehead, and your lips are too thin.”
He breathes in deeply. “Thank you, oh split-ended, feral-hair boy. Well, if you and your elderly lover aren’t inviting a third into your bed…?”
“We’re not,” Asa grits out.
“I’ll be off, then. Goodbye, Jude. Au revoir, stern-faced Daddy.”
We both stare after him as he wanders off and vanishes around the corner.
Asa turns to me. “What—” He starts again. “Who was…?” Finally, he shakes his head. “Never mind. I’ll just chalk it up to him being one of your work colleagues.”
I nod slowly. “Probably best.”
“So we’ll talk when we get back,” he says anxiously.
“I don’t need to know everything. I just need to know if I’m meeting someone you’ve slept with, and I only need to know about the important people.”
He raises his hand and tangles it in my hair, tilting my skull so I look up at him. “Then it’ll be a short conversation,” he says softly. “With only one name on it. You’re the only one that’s ever meant anything to me, Jude. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had, the best lover, the person I turn to above everyone else for the happy and the sad. You’re my comfort and my joy.”
“You use all the best words,” I say softly. “How can I say anything more?”
“Tell me you love me,” he says earnestly. “That you forgive me for being so stupid and that you’ll always love me. That’s all I need to know.”
“I do,” I say and nestle into him. “I do all of those things, Asa, to the absolute heart of me.”
He kisses me softly and tentatively, and then harder and more frantically until finally I pull away gasping.
“What about Hayden? Is this going to make things difficult for