was usually spent with whichever housekeeper we had at the time, eating a cake she had made, and waiting for my parents. When they came home, we would eat supper and talk would inevitably turn to my grades and scores as if I was the sum of them. That sounds ungrateful, but I feel I can own that feeling to you.
I’m resentful of the times they spent away from me as a child. There, I said it. I’m cross that I’m always weighed up and found wanting just because I don’t add up to a sum they can approve of. I’m angry because my dad hasn’t spoken to me in months and doesn’t seem bothered by that. I don’t fit a mould like all of my old friends from school. They’ve gone into the family businesses, made money and alliances, and created well-brought-up children to carry on the tradition.
I sometimes wondered whether a fairy dropped me in their nest. Maybe I’m a changeling child, and meanwhile, the real overachieving child is somewhere in fairyland trying to improve his fairy parents’ stock portfolio.
To: Eli Jones
From: Gideon Ramsay
I wish I could say that I know how you feel. My parents ran the other way. They were so distant they could have lived in France. I was shipped off to boarding school at the age of seven because that was the way it was done. I was with the children of similar families, and that was the way it was also done.
It was slightly awkward sometimes when my friends told me all about the exotic countries their parents were working in and the reason for them having to board because my parents only lived about ten miles away from the school. I used to pretend that my mother was a mountain climber and my father a mountain guide. I told many elaborate stories about their daring adventures which were slightly spoilt when they actually attended a swimming gala once, and she had a panic attack because of the height of the stands, and he made a fuss when he got tomato sauce on his jacket.
I’ll stick to wishing that you could see yourself as I see you. You’re fascinating. Clever and kind and brave. You enter a room, and I feel safe. There are very few people I can say that about. Maybe concentrate on what you are, rather than what you’re not. Simplistic advice but that’s the sort of life I’m leading at the moment.
I’d crack those bloody meditation classes now.
To: Gideon Ramsay
From: Eli Jones
I still think that your violent aura would spoil the other people’s meditation, but I’ll try to take your incredibly out-of-character positive advice. Even though it makes me feel dizzy like the world has shifted on its axis.
I hope that while you’re finding yourself, you’re also finding your brother and your friends again. I know you won’t believe me, but I think they need you just as much as you need them. You seem to see yourself as a chess piece that has its own independent moves, while the others all belong to their pairs, each man’s movements set and dictated by the other.
I think you’re wrong. I think you’re an out-of-sync piece that your friends and family are trying to absorb into their group. If you’re less prickly, they might manage it.
I’m probably mixing up chess with Monopoly or something, but I won’t worry because I’m sure you’ll be very happy to point out my mistakes. I can just see you with your long nose turned up and muttering something about mixed metaphors in your posh voice, but you know I’m right. Make an effort with them. Now is the time.
John Donne said that no man is an island. It’s true because I think you’re more like a coral atoll to me. Harsh and unforgiving on someone trying to visit, but beautiful and vivid and teeming with life underneath.
To: Eli Jones
From: Gideon Ramsay
I hope you realise that your piss-taking tone is very evident even through an email.
What is even more obvious is your very bossy streak, but I’ll do as you say. I hesitate to say you’re right because that would give you an appallingly self-satisfied air like the time that I said I would hate going to a spa. I can still see that smirk when I had the deep tissue massage. But on this one occasion, you might be near saying something profound. I don’t expect it to happen again.